Revelation

So, I am twenty five years old, I have a masters and undergraduate degree, am single, and what else? Somehow it doesn’t seem enough, but yet I know really it is so much.

I realized today that life is all about searching, it seems that I am always doing it, always seeking contentment, but never truly finding it. Like a vagabond roaming the dessert sand, it’s just one stop after another and some long looking through my binoculars, before I make my next camp. There are very few waters on my journey just a lot of uphill climbs trudging through deep dessert sands and dirty winds.

When I think about all of my issues, it overwhelms me and I have been having a lot of time to do that lately. So much so that I believe that I deserve a seat on that white couch at the “Starting Over” house. My inadequacies in relationships, in my faith, and ambition are at the forefront of my mind and I wonder if everyone else in the world has these own feelings of inadequacy.

I was so anxious to get out of the house today. After I went to get a TB test, I went to read at the coffee shop on campus and then on the horseshoe on campus. I was watching this squirrel and had an epiphany, well yes it was a squirel, but go with me on this one. I was thinking how they go through life and have brushes with death everyday, brush it off and are totally content everyday just searching for food and running up and down trees. Now, I know they have just pea sized brains and they can't process more than that, but it occured to me to be content in what I have in the moment and that God will provide with what I need when I need it. Somehow its not enough right now, I am just discontent and wandering in the desert. I needed to write, get it all out.

As I was reading the new book called, 'what remains' by Carole Radziwill, I realize that people who live a charmed life don't really have it all, we are all the same really, a series of deaths, weddings, sickness, joys, depression, pain, discontentment in the midst of contentment. She puts it best way I know remembering her wedding and all of her guests and their future fortunes and misfourtunes... life is a series of fortunate events either in life or death.