Love Never Fails...

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." - Ephesians 5:1-2

Living a life of love is the focus of my bible study today. I am currently reading Beth Moore's book, "Believing God" because I feel that for most of my life that I have believed IN God, but haven't really understood what it meant to just BELIEVE GOD. The difference is significant in a way that I never knew. The book focuses on some main principles, "God is who He Says He is" and "He does what he says", but now I am on "I can do all things through Christ".

The question of the day that Beth Moore asks is "Recognizing that love is more often an act of will than of heart, how do you react when we're succinctly told in 1 Corinthians 13:8 that love never fails? have you ever known love to fail? have you tried loving someone only to see it come to nothing?"

I feel as though this question speaks to my heart in numerous ways. God works through situations in our lives that may seem that love is failing us, but in actually God is working out is love for us, showing us how much he loves us and he is the truest form of love that there is. My heart, as you know has been through the wringer as far as love has been concerned this year, however, I still don't believe that love has failed me. I feel as though God has done the opposite and shown me the truest love in Him. He loved me enough to let me fall down and realize that He was the only one who could save me from myself. He loved me enough to pull me out of the pit and put my feet on solid ground! He saw me through the hurt that others gave me and put me solidly on a new place to begin from! I am so grateful just writing this because I now truly believe that I have come full circle. My faith is a mustard seed right now, but it will grow I know because I am able to realize the fullness of His love for me. Others who are not believers may account this as, "time heals all wounds" but time could never heal all the wounds that I inflicted on myself like bitterness, hurt, saddness, pain, and so much more. The things I have learned will affect future relationships in a positive way, not in a negative one. I can say without a doubt today that bitterness, hurt, pain, and saddness have no place in my life right now. God has healed them all. I am beyond grateful for where I am today... words could never express the gratitude.

Loving someone never comes of nothing. It only plants a seed that someone loves you like a mustard seed of faith for the future. You maybe a small part of the plan. I am grateful that I can know what its like to love someone and that it can never be contrived or planned. It can only come from God. Like all things it doesn't happen overnight. It takes consistant prayer and to be honest with you I am the queen of inconsistency in a lot of areas of my life. Loving someone through faith is much different than loving them by human effort. You have to undeniably trust that the Lord has a purpose and plan for each and every human on this earth and that it is His will that you love that person so that they may see the kingdom of God. If we all looked at every person that way, what a different world this would be, wouldn't it? We may all be frustrated when we don't see fruits of our labor of loving someone, but God does. He sees our faith and sees the groundwork being layed for the person you are loving through faith.

My prayer today is
Lord, it is said that you are supposed to love your enemies in your word. Lord, I ask that you allow me to see where love is needed and allow me to plant a seed of love through faith in you. I know I have been far away from you as of late. I need you and you alone to sustain my needs. I believe that you are the Father and I believe that you can save any wandering soul from their sins through love. Lord I ask you bless all who read this and let your love pour down onto them in a new and invigorating way. Lord I ask you to pour out your love on me as well as you allow me to embrace my singleness and the life you have for me. Allow me to be excited and hopeful for the future you have laid out. Lord I thank you for the journey you have laid out for me thus far, I look forward to where you are taking me. I trust you, I love you, I hope in you for ALL things. Thank you for all your blessings that I have recieved and will continue to recieve. Remind me that they ALL come from you and you give me nothing I can't handle through you. I love you, I love you, I love you... impermeate me with your love to pour out to others that I may meet along the street or at work or church... this is how your kingdom is revealed t hrough the love believers everywhere. Help me to find a new group of friends that are believers and that will allow me grow in faith with you. Help me to come to a point that I know without a doubt that I will be seeing you inside those heavenly gates someday... Lord, I want to be there!
Amen!

Craziness that Lies within

It's crazy to think that I cannot put words to my heart this morning. I am filled with saddness, annoyance, worry, and fear. I cannot help but feel a little left behind in the world. I feel as though people are moving on and I am stuck stagnate, stalemate if you will in this heartache that just won't go away. I am my own worst enemy, as today I looked at my friend's wedding pictures and saw my past with his future. Tell me I am not alone in this. It has been almost five months since we were anything normal or close to normal and yet I have a missing piece in my heart that I cannot fill. I didn't want to marry him, but I wanted to love him. Where's the middle ground? How can someone we know so well, suddenly become a stranger to us? How can the simple sight of someone just hurt us to the core. How can they forget about us so easily? I know, I know, just let it go. It seems I have so many times only to have it thrown back in my face.

That weighs on my mind, however what is really at the core of my early summer morning is finances. I know that Jesus is my Provider and he will give me what I need when He sees fit. I am just tired of thinking in general. Will someone please take my brain away until it stops thinking so much? My strength is wearing thin.

Full Circle

So this morning I come back to the therapy that provides me with such comfort. I get so busy, but the need to make time to do it more. Today is a letter of forgiveness, not forgetting. So to anyone out there who this might pertain to, maybe you are struggling with forgiveness like it takes me so long to do, but getting to a place of not forgetting but remembering fondly and taking appreciation for what you learned and not being filled with bitterness.
Here it goes:

I forgive you for telling me you loved me and that you would wait for me;

I forgive you for telling me that you knew what I was the one, but quickly changing your mind;

I forgive you for leaving and never looking back;

I forgive you for lying to me;

I forgive you for taking something so precious from me and then leaving me;

I forgive you for loving her more than me even though that isn't a sin just a heartache;

I forgive you for making promises for our future about our children and what they would look like and never allowing me the time to see them through;

I forgive you for all the broken promises and I forgive myself for all the heartache that I might have caused.

I forgive all these things and more, but mostly I want to say that I pray:

I pray that you are unabashedly and amazingly happy;

I pray that you are successful in every part of your life, as he wants to bless us all in breathtaking ways;

I pray that you continue to seek God in every little section of life, as He amazingly faithful;

I pray that you pause and listen close to His direction; His ways are always best;

I pray that you continue to appreciate what we learned during our time together and use it to the best advantage, because he uses it all things for good, even the hard stuff;

I pray that your heart is full of the Lord and remember that no one person can complete you- only God can;

I pray and pray and pray for the blessings God wants for all of us to be fruitful and us to amazingly worship and serve him.;

I pray that you will remember always that I loved you and still do, as well as believe in you, you will always have my support in the wings;

I am nowhere near where I need to be, but I am working on it, but this life is all about growth and I am so happy to be where I am. Satan isn't going to have the stronghold on me that I am not a whole person without a partner... that I am somehow not who I am supposed to be... Good things come to those who wait, my patience is getting stronger through the struggle...

It is faith where I close officially this chapter of you in my life. I am ready to move on, try new things and meet new people... go out on dates because I am ready to, I am as closed to healed as I will ever be from a broken heart. I am excited and happy about this place where I am headed, soon it will be my turn to be happy with a partner... but for now I am happy where I am...

J

What hurts the most...

I never really realized what the words to the song, "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts meant until tonight. It is not the premise of the song I can relate to but the hurt.

What hurts the most,
was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what I was tryin to do.

Tonight I saw him for the first time since we broke up, it caught me by suprise and made my heart jump right into my throat. My face became red and I was filled with anger and remorse all at the same time. I was filled with unfairness of it all, but then I remembered something, Satan called my bluff, he tested me, but he isn't strong enough. i watched with awe as I recalled the sacrifice my Lord and Savior made for me. I realized how petty I was being, all while my face was still flushed and filled with every emotion I can imagine. I felt like I had to start over again, but realized the circumstances of today are fleeting, Lord Reigns! But the words ring true because he was so close and I had so much to say to him, but would have it helped me any? I watched him walk away so many times tonight without him even noticing me, wondering how he could forget me? how he just couldn't love me anymore? i still love him... that was all I was truly trying to do all through out our crazy mixed up relationship...make sure that he knew he was loved, focusing my time on him and on loving him, forgetting God. I am hurt... but it will heal... i want to be truly complete in my forgiveness of him and myself, as well as sure of my path. i am just rambling, but it is 1 AM... Thank you to my amazing small group... they saved me from myself!

The continuing journey

As I continue on my journey to recall who Juliann really is, I am always encouraged by the words of Esther that I am so aptly doing in a bible study. I have always admired her character of modesty, humilty, and loyalty to her family, to Xerxes, but most importantly to God.

I was able to glimpse into the eyes of Mordecai today as he refused to bow to the apppointed leader of the nobles, Haman. Not only was he refusing to worship a false idol, but he had a far greater goal in mind. Just like Joseph, he was a kin to Satan's continued temptation to do the wrong thing. Satan knows our weakness, just as God does. His continued pushing and proding on these weaknesses is difficult to withstand sometimes. We have to have our mind set on the truth and what God's purpose is for us. It is easy to give in, but much harder to withstand. For two years, Satan has been proding on my weakness that I have been alone and that I need a man to be whole. I have given in many a time, when I knew it was not right, just for the earthly comfort of now, rather than realizing or failing to acknowledge to long term ramifications of giving in. As God proved to me finally when I gave over the final straw that I had been holding onto to Satan earlier this year that yes, people will fail you after they get what they want and that i cannot place my faith in people, only in God. All of them will fail me in some way that I cannot imagine, but God never will. He always takes me back and leaves the past behind. He also proved to me that holding on to your faith and the truth will be much more frutiful.

Returning to Normal

So I am trying to return to what was normal before Steven. I can't help but feel as though it is a little disheartening to that I don't remember what i felt like before him. I am just numb to the whole thing at this point. It's wierd to be a part of someone's life for so long and just have them not there anymore. I keep looking at the phone, thinking that he will change his mind and call, but then what will I say? Will I say oh yes, please come back or totally walk away completely. I have a hard time thinking that he is going to be out with someone else tonight, they are eating dinner, laughing, etc. I try to brush it off, but it does hurt. Do I love him? I am not sure where I stand anymore on that subject. I gave a big part of myself to him and to say that I don't would be like denying that our time together even existed. A part of me will always love him, as I know he will for me. Really who was I before? I am trying to discover that again. Pray for some insight and direction and thatI will completely trust God with His plan for my life and not my own.

What I can say is that I am really blessed at this point to have an amazing and wonderful small group, as well as many other friends who are keeping me busy and reminding me that I am loved not because of who I was or am with but because of who I am. I am so over people who choose sides, intentionally or not. Grow up, we are not in middle school. You may not acknowledge that you are, but you do. It's human nature, but it's silly really because we all make mistakes but we should love beyond our mistakes.... just some food for thought...

Instead of...

Instead of using facebook, which I am convinced will ultlimately lead to my demise, if not my insanity, I have decided to use Blogger as my tool of coping of choice. I am dealing with a range of emotions that I have been drug out of me, but I am coping really well, (only by God's grace). I am home today with a horrific cold, the likes of which I haven't seen in years on me, as well as dealing with what seems to be a new break up (although we weren't together) and the possibility of him already being in another relationship. This is the cause of my retreat from facebook, as I cannot handle the possibility, although he has blocked me, of seeing anything that has to do with this possibility at this time.

I have been through it all in my head, but really what it comes down to is that it really not my issue and none of my business to know what he has been doing during his "own-thing" time. Unfortunately for me I wasn't really doing my own thing because I had no idea really where we stood and was standing on a false hope that we could be friends and move forward. I was wrong. It is hard for me to admit that I am better off without him, with the newest would so recent. However, I do know now what I have put him through all the times in the past when I have broken up or taken my space with him. Somehow, it's not enough though. I for the life of me will never understand guys, as I know how long it takes for me to heal from a broken heart, how they can jump into another relationship. But in his defense, I will say we have been doing this for a while and it was only a matter of time before he decided to make a clean break, no matter how much he loved me (or I thought that he did). Right now, I am just coming from a place of hurt and shock. I don't know the details or I don't dare to know them. It would only set me back the two days that I have come. I am sad and hurt. It might be better if I think of him as being dead, that way I could be mourning and grieve and move on, but I can't do that because I know he is not. It sucks the way I have treated him, what can I say I am a work in progress. It sucks that I haven't listened to God so well before or we would not be here. We would have both moved on a long time ago. For whatever reason, I just want us both to be happy, call me crazy, but I wish it could be together but I know it cannot. All Good or Crazy things must come to an end... Thank you Jesus for the crazy times, the loving times, the times that I haven't listened, the times that I have, thank you for love and all that comes herewith... i pray for peace and happiness...