On my mind

Well, I have come to another crossroad, where I feel I have been a million times before. Why does letting go suck so much.... why can't we love unfailingly and unabashedly the ones we want... why can't they make us truly happy? Why does God put such amazing people in our lives and just decide that they are not right for us? I mean really, how hard is it be just happy... apparently too hard for me these days. This new year marks a new road, but will be just like the last? filled with uncertainty, a rollercoaster, full of pain and joy... most def yet... will I finally fall completely fall head over heels in love with the man that I and GOD want for me? Will it just be right and I won't have to try so hard? There could not be a better man out there for me, but why isn't right? These are the questions that are lingering on my mind as I head into the new year. I am trusting in God's strength and provision...

J

December 10, 2008

Today marked the end of the fall book fair at my school. I can't say that I am sad to see it go... boy, I am sure relieved to have my library back! Anywho, it comes to my attention this week that although I complain about my job, I really do love it (minus a few ill-fitting children). I have become comfortable with the staff and my responsibilities, however, I do have to wonder what is next with the current state of the economy. I am in a safe career, but I am wondering about what will happen to my school system in the next few years with impending budget cuts that are sooo huge...

It leads to me to wonder as well, how did we get into this crisis?If education is so important, where did all the money go? was it there in the first place? How will my students ever know the meaning of stability or of economic security if we can't even provide them with EVERYTHING that they DESERVE, no matter where they live or who their parents are. I am at a loss and just rambling at this point.

I am reading the book called, Crazy Love, by Francis Chan. It is about God's unrelentless, unfathomable love for us and what that means for us. We never will really understand what God's love is for us, how he loves us, how he pursues us... it's daunting, but also romantic. I like to think that God is the PERFECT lover following, searching, and seeking out my heart, my soul, my whole self. We cannot tell God how to love us, he just does, whether we want him to or not. We can look all around us and see His love if we just open our eyes to it...Psalm 139 was written out of a dark place in David's life, but David chose to worship.

God is hugging you right now, all of us, yet each individually... how comforting to know this as you lay your head to sleep and leave this day behind and coming one day closer to know the fullness of His face... Sleep tight God's beloved child...:)

Musings...

So it's been a year since I blogged here last, but felt it was about time to spew my guts across the internet... well, at least the good ones...:)

I have come to a turning point in my life, while I have met the most wonderful man that a woman could ask for, I am hesitant to commit long term. You may ask why? Well, if I knew that I would be fixing it... but here are some thoughts:

I have constantly turned my focus away from God when I am in any relationship... although our relationship has been more "faith based" than any previous relationships, I still focus more on the tangible and seen relationships in my life and base my happiness or contentment around it.

The largest reason I can fathom is that of fear. Fear of how I will feel tomorrow, or next week, if I can live with this person forever (divorce is not an option), if I am going to have another mental breakdown to the stress I put on myself or him or our relationship. Is there any relationship that I have that will make me feel different about the person and not question it on a regular basis? These just top the list, but I have conceded that I am not ready to let these fears win and that he is worth all the craziness that happens to me mentally.

Still in the midst of all of this, I am reminded of how God guides my path. My Tuesday Devotional is from Isaiah 58:11:

" The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well water garden, like an ever-flowing spring"

The characteristics that I have now, God gave me! Even if I see my craziness as an imperfection, God sees as PERFECT! Imagine me, an perfect design... If I focus my time on fear, weight, negativity, then I will undoubtedly spiral into the abyss, but if I see my eyes, my laugh, the crazy way I walk, or my sense of humor, the way God does, WOW... I can only imagine the difference it will make.

So today as I figure out the jumbled mess that is my head, I can rest in the fact that is okay that I think a lot and care a lot about others. It's okay that I don't know all the answers to the questions I will get tomorrow or next week or next year. It's okay if I don't know if he is "the one" yet, the lightbulb will come on or it won't... Thank you God for crazy ole' me!!:)