Musings...

So it's been a year since I blogged here last, but felt it was about time to spew my guts across the internet... well, at least the good ones...:)

I have come to a turning point in my life, while I have met the most wonderful man that a woman could ask for, I am hesitant to commit long term. You may ask why? Well, if I knew that I would be fixing it... but here are some thoughts:

I have constantly turned my focus away from God when I am in any relationship... although our relationship has been more "faith based" than any previous relationships, I still focus more on the tangible and seen relationships in my life and base my happiness or contentment around it.

The largest reason I can fathom is that of fear. Fear of how I will feel tomorrow, or next week, if I can live with this person forever (divorce is not an option), if I am going to have another mental breakdown to the stress I put on myself or him or our relationship. Is there any relationship that I have that will make me feel different about the person and not question it on a regular basis? These just top the list, but I have conceded that I am not ready to let these fears win and that he is worth all the craziness that happens to me mentally.

Still in the midst of all of this, I am reminded of how God guides my path. My Tuesday Devotional is from Isaiah 58:11:

" The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well water garden, like an ever-flowing spring"

The characteristics that I have now, God gave me! Even if I see my craziness as an imperfection, God sees as PERFECT! Imagine me, an perfect design... If I focus my time on fear, weight, negativity, then I will undoubtedly spiral into the abyss, but if I see my eyes, my laugh, the crazy way I walk, or my sense of humor, the way God does, WOW... I can only imagine the difference it will make.

So today as I figure out the jumbled mess that is my head, I can rest in the fact that is okay that I think a lot and care a lot about others. It's okay that I don't know all the answers to the questions I will get tomorrow or next week or next year. It's okay if I don't know if he is "the one" yet, the lightbulb will come on or it won't... Thank you God for crazy ole' me!!:)