No Idea what to call it...

Alright, so I am not exactly faithful in keeping my blog up to date, but I am trying. I am sitting at home on a Sunday evening, ready to go to bed, but my mind is full of wonder. I am amazed at how God can use my dreams and juxtapose them with scripture to make them make sense to me. I always thought my dreams were useless and could never figure them out.

After spending most of the afternoon doing schoolwork (ugh!), then going to help out at church with youth (these kids always challenge me in new ways), I decided that I didn't want to go home and work on some more homework. I decided to indulge my sweet tooth even further (i had already had 4 cookies that evening + 2 from the morning) with a carmel frappucino from starbucks and sit down to read a non-school related book for a bit. The book I am reading is called "Captivating, Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul". The whole book is about how God longs to be in an intimate relationship with us as women and how sometimes the men in our life skew our view of how a real father figure, friend, or lover should be.

Recently I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend whom I had not seen in a long time. The whole dream was about him being sick and me trying to get to him to check on him to see if he was all right. His mother and his wife were in it, one trying to help me and the other trying to help him and ignore me. I am constantly having dreams about me trying to tell someone something or catch up to something and not being able to get there. It baffled me! Until tonight, I read in my book a scripture in Hosea 2: 6-7, "Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns; and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths. 7 She shall pursue her lovers, but not overtake them; and she shall seek them, but shall not find them." AHA MOMENT!!!!!!
It occured to me, I am chasing the wrong 'lovers', not the only 'lover' that I should ever need. He is making me a path to him, putting up road blocks where there are relationships that will not fully glorify him, by forcing me to see that my only true 'love' is HIM! He wants me to seek out HIM as my lover. He wants to know me that intimately!!:) WOW! Thank You!! He wants me to be vulnerable to show him all my faults, for he already knows them, and he loves me anyway! Is there a love more pure and unconditional than this?! Not on earth, only in the eyes of our heavenly father. He romances us everyday, yes, our Father in heaven romances us! If we allow ourselves to open our eyes to that sunset on the way to work, if we ask him to bless us even more than we already are, or if we watch a butterfly flutter around a flower or the river rush over a rock, we will be truly romanced by the one who invented romance himself!! It states this later in that same chapter in Hosea, "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." (2:14).

I don't know about you, but to be romanced and blessed is all I have ever wanted to happen in my life and here it has been all along. I have been missing it right before my eyes! When I was a little girl, all I wanted was to marry someone like my daddy, when i became a teenager I wanted someone to love me alone, after I became an adult I continue to desire that earthly love because everyone else seemed to have it but me. All along I have had a better kind of love, an unconditional and pure love... I have to wrap myself in it and fill myself up with it and it will make me whole and fill the void that I thought that I had in me, but it had just been missing Him all along. AMEN!!:) PRAISE THE LORD!!:)

Long time, no blog

So amidst the craziest of semesters or beginnings of one, I must admit that I am suprised that I am still wading above the water. After hesitantly breaking up with a boy that I had dated for three weeks, I am in the midst of the greiving process. I know that what I did was right, but it still hurt to do it and it makes me a little angry at myself. On top of the personal life fiasco of the last weekend, I am agreeing to continue my plan for graduating in December, after carefully and briefly considering the alternative "I" on my transcript until May. My work schedule is crazy, but I love my internship. I am so blessed that my mom is here to help me out some, even though she may not understand why I broke up with the boy or like the means of doing so.

You see, I set a high bar for myself as a teenager when it came to the opposite sex. While I knew people who were sleeping around at 16 and 17, I knew that I didn't want that. I mean to say that sex is something sacred, beautiful, between two people in love, and should be consequently done in the context of marriage. I had no real offers in high school or pressure to do so, so I thought that this bar would be easy to maintain. The trouble with that is, that my Christian friends never talked about their struggles in their own relationships with saving themselves for marriage. It wasn't until I was in my own first serious relationship and asked about it did I find out how it wasn't that easy and I wasn't the only one struggling to maintain my purity.

I am the weaker sex, admittedly, even though I like to think that I am not. I like that attention that any one would give me (positive that is). The power that that attention gives me, is mind boggling. The fact that anyone wanted to be with me was totally amazing and I didn't want to pass it up. The truth is though, my partner must share those convictions and yes, even though he is a guy, he should be able to say no, we don't want to do this right now, let's do something else.

In dating someone who is not on the spiritual level that you might be, you run into this issue. You want to do whatever it takes for them to still like you, but at the same time hold onto your principles. That sends mixed messages and confuses the pants off men, who haven't been nurtured by older men in the ways of being a 'godly man' or even know what being a 'godly man' means.

In 1st Peter, Ephesians, there are guidelines of the relationship between a man and a woman. I do not myself think that is to be taken literally word for word. I do however think that it still applies to the times and can be readapted as such. Now I don't want a man who bosses me around and is condescening and always has to be in control. That I know for sure. I want someone who sets an example for me, who lives a Christian life like me, and can be a spiritual leader, someone who is equally yoked as the bible states it or on the same page as me in regards to a personal relationship. It is so easy to get away from these principles in the midst of a relationship and lose focus on the purpose of a relationship. I am by no means an expert, mainly a coward, who hates confrontation, but nevertheless thinks that I have come too far to give up my principles at this point for a night and a purity that I can never get back and a relationship that only draws me further away from God.

Don't you hate it when...

Today has been quite a trying day for me. It was the third day of our rafting trip and let's just say things did not go as planned, people yelling or getting angry at other people, crying, adultless rafts floating down stream away from us.

Now rightly so, I would be upset that my kid was out there and there was nobody with them. I do care for these kids as if they were my own. I just maybe had a problem with the way this was handled, let's just say that. While we were on the sidelines fretting about what to do, and getting angry at the guides, we could have been in a boat and on our way up there to catch up with them. What good is it doing us when there are obviously less of us and more of them, so it would be easier for us to go to them. Granted I am not a parent, maybe I should be concerned with the way that I reacted (inside). While I am not saying that they aren't right to be upset, I think that it was a little over the top. I wasn't worried. Is that bad?! Anywho, the guides were awful and they were not very helpful or safety concious. I would assume, wouldn't you that before you let 40-50 3rd-12th graders out on the boat, you would at least teach them how react if they fall out of the boat, even how to paddle or hold a paddle properly. (while they were at it they could teach them how to listen...) There wasn't a guide in every boat, which meant there had to be an adult in every boat, and lucky me, I am an adult. I was glad to help out, but didn't feel as though I was qualified to be leading this boat down a river I had never been down before.

Anyways, I am getting a little burnt out, while I love my job, I also am overly influenced by how people react to me. if they react in any way that is negative, I feel as though it is my fault, I could have done something better. I guess I am a perfectionist that way.

I also have to say that I will have no problem not driving a bus anymore. I just don't like it. It's not that I can't drive, it's that I don't want to drive it or do i feel comfortable in it. Nobody asked me if I wanted to, they just said I would have to. I know that is not the issue, and I am learning to be a servant, it's a long process. I am becoming a little better though, i know it's bad for me to complain, but I just must vent. Anywho...

Sunburned and Worn Out,
J

Today

Today was the first day of day camp and boy did I feel frazzled. It was hot as all get out, but you know what can you expect in late june in south carolina. I am glad the first day is over and that I survived the bus drive, as well as the day. I am soo thankful for my friend Angie Moore who is being so wonderful and supportive of me this week. She's got my back and for that I am grateful. After being such pain in the butt on Saturday when I was bored, I have to apologize. I have to learn to embrace my boredom, I am sometimes like a little kid and I have to be constantly stimulated with activities. I had to lead games today and it was absolutely nutty with all those kiddos out there. It just looked like anarchy! I am awful at leading games and I am sure my bosses thought I was terrible at it, but that is not my strength and I know it. I have issues trying to explain everything. To top all things off, My aunt came to visit today (figuratively speaking) and I have to spend all day in the woods...:( I finally got constructive in my boredom and moved my room around. I know that God is teaching me how to be a servant, but It's really hard for me to learn. I love helping out, but just not as much as I am. But that being said, I did know what I was getting into.

Here I am

So here I am in the middle of a boring day... i am so about to go crazy here. I have decided that I will move back to Georgia after graduation. I am just sick and tired of here. God always comes through in the midst of my pain, saying make time for me, if you have time give it to me, spend it in quiet time... Let things happen in their own time. I just am so restless and feeling like I am wasting my life away just sitting around and waiting for things to happen. I have done what I could in becoming friends with people, being active in church and in school, but I am still lonely. If I just had one person to call and say, hey, can we hang out or what ever or if my friends would set my up that would be great. I tried eharmony, but that costs money that I do not have. I am tired of doing things on my own, I want to do new things but not by myself. I hate having to initiate all of my friend outings... why can't they call me? The people who really love me are in Atlanta and I need their support and companionship. Not the lack of companionship I have here. Don't get me wrong this is not a horrible place with horrific people, it had much appeal when it was new and i knew i still had opportunities for growth and companionship. I do love the people I have met here, but there l ives would have been no different if I had not moved here. I love my roomie too, but I am just not happy anymore here. I wish it were different but I can't help how I feel because God speaks to me through my emotions and on my days off he is speaking SOO LOUD and SOOO CLEAR to let go of this place. I have to go, I hope that I can make it until December... I have too... It seems like I spend forever waiting and waiting for something to happen and it doesn't. I am just a little disillusioned and disjointed.

Bored and Waiting,
Jules

Another Day

Today I woke up with a slight pain in my neck, nothing new, baring the fact I have had x-rays, mris, blood tests, physical therapy, etc., and now muscle relaxers, with no avail. I am hesitant to take them however, knowing my reaction to these drugs in the past. Not this one in particular, as this is new, but muscle relaxers before. I will probably try it friday as I have it off. I am a bit nervous about having everything ready for day camp next week. I know God will provide.

In my morning devo, I read from Romans 8:18-27. It talks about how suffering and pain here on earth will in now way surpass the glory that is ours in heaven. Poignantly noted on this morning when I woke with the frustration that I have endured for over a year. Praise Jesus!:) Also, something I have been praying about is how to pray. This passage discusses the holy spirit's ability to intercede for us if we just let him do so in our prayers. It's amazing what happens when we just let our prayers flow out and don't script them. I am realizing too that in my lonliness and boredom, God is providing me with things to do such as my scrapbooks, or my quilt to finish. When I worry about money, I remember that these things don't cost me hardly anything, just the joy of doing it.

His Blessings and Prayers
J

At the end of the day

Okay, so this is my third post of the day. Do you ever feel like you spent all doing everything and nothing at the same time? I got a good start on all of my day camp stuff, even though I feel like I am behind. If only I wasn't at the doctor's for TWO hours!! Anywho, i am outta here in a few. Drop of a new perscription and be on my way to work out. Until Tomorrow!:) God Speed!

Oh yeah

I also had this super wierd idea, that I have never had before about being an anchorwoman or talk show host. Go figure?!

God always provides

As I awoke this morning for my devotional time with God, I opened my bible to find just what I needed. I am always amazed at how that works out. In several eyeopening verses, no less, God manages to tell me that He will fight for me in Exodus 14:14 and that even though I am the most useless Christian there is, that He has chosen ME to spread His good news and that I am worthy of salvation as all people are, if they just accept Him into their lives. ( Ephesians 3:8-9)

I am aware now that he is using me this day. He is opening doors, pushing boundaries, giving me new responsibilites that He knows that I can handle, even though I may not be so sure sometimes.

I am also aware that I don't know where He is leading me, but my vision is becoming clearer everyday. I preach and preach about God having a plan for everyone else, but am not patient when it comes to myself. Today, I am beginning a week of hard work and high responsibility. It may be just busy work, but it's God's work. Bring it on!;)

His Blessings,
Jules

June 19, 2005

So another boring day begins or exists... it's after five... how many more hours before bed? It's pathetic, really, when you think about it. I mean, I am 25 years old and am bored stiff because there is nothing to do in this town! Not anything I want to do anyways. How can a day start with so much promise and end with so much boredom. I know, I know... we choose the way we look at the day, but I there are only so many books and so many lifetime movies a girl can watch. Stopping short of actually doing work for the next week, no wait I already did some of it. My job is wonderful and I love what I am doing when I am doing it... there is no one to hang out with around here. Let alone, anyone to date.

Do you ever feel like you are missing out on something? Even though you know there is a PLAN, you can't help but wonder if you have already missed something that was supposed to change your life. I get that feeling when I watch a movie and a couple kisses, I just feel this pang of longing for that, for something like it, an emptiness. I know that God is my one true love, but I am a little frustrated for the world that I am in right now, I just want out of this town somedays!! I am tired of being by myself.

I saw Perfect Man, last night. It was cheesy, but good. Holly (Hillary Duff) is great about writing on her online blog everyday, of chronicling her life, I guess I wanted to do the same. Today also is Father's Day... I have the best DADDY in the world!! He is the only man I really can depend on (earthly speaking). Thanks daddo!:) You Rock!