The continuing journey

As I continue on my journey to recall who Juliann really is, I am always encouraged by the words of Esther that I am so aptly doing in a bible study. I have always admired her character of modesty, humilty, and loyalty to her family, to Xerxes, but most importantly to God.

I was able to glimpse into the eyes of Mordecai today as he refused to bow to the apppointed leader of the nobles, Haman. Not only was he refusing to worship a false idol, but he had a far greater goal in mind. Just like Joseph, he was a kin to Satan's continued temptation to do the wrong thing. Satan knows our weakness, just as God does. His continued pushing and proding on these weaknesses is difficult to withstand sometimes. We have to have our mind set on the truth and what God's purpose is for us. It is easy to give in, but much harder to withstand. For two years, Satan has been proding on my weakness that I have been alone and that I need a man to be whole. I have given in many a time, when I knew it was not right, just for the earthly comfort of now, rather than realizing or failing to acknowledge to long term ramifications of giving in. As God proved to me finally when I gave over the final straw that I had been holding onto to Satan earlier this year that yes, people will fail you after they get what they want and that i cannot place my faith in people, only in God. All of them will fail me in some way that I cannot imagine, but God never will. He always takes me back and leaves the past behind. He also proved to me that holding on to your faith and the truth will be much more frutiful.

Returning to Normal

So I am trying to return to what was normal before Steven. I can't help but feel as though it is a little disheartening to that I don't remember what i felt like before him. I am just numb to the whole thing at this point. It's wierd to be a part of someone's life for so long and just have them not there anymore. I keep looking at the phone, thinking that he will change his mind and call, but then what will I say? Will I say oh yes, please come back or totally walk away completely. I have a hard time thinking that he is going to be out with someone else tonight, they are eating dinner, laughing, etc. I try to brush it off, but it does hurt. Do I love him? I am not sure where I stand anymore on that subject. I gave a big part of myself to him and to say that I don't would be like denying that our time together even existed. A part of me will always love him, as I know he will for me. Really who was I before? I am trying to discover that again. Pray for some insight and direction and thatI will completely trust God with His plan for my life and not my own.

What I can say is that I am really blessed at this point to have an amazing and wonderful small group, as well as many other friends who are keeping me busy and reminding me that I am loved not because of who I was or am with but because of who I am. I am so over people who choose sides, intentionally or not. Grow up, we are not in middle school. You may not acknowledge that you are, but you do. It's human nature, but it's silly really because we all make mistakes but we should love beyond our mistakes.... just some food for thought...

Instead of...

Instead of using facebook, which I am convinced will ultlimately lead to my demise, if not my insanity, I have decided to use Blogger as my tool of coping of choice. I am dealing with a range of emotions that I have been drug out of me, but I am coping really well, (only by God's grace). I am home today with a horrific cold, the likes of which I haven't seen in years on me, as well as dealing with what seems to be a new break up (although we weren't together) and the possibility of him already being in another relationship. This is the cause of my retreat from facebook, as I cannot handle the possibility, although he has blocked me, of seeing anything that has to do with this possibility at this time.

I have been through it all in my head, but really what it comes down to is that it really not my issue and none of my business to know what he has been doing during his "own-thing" time. Unfortunately for me I wasn't really doing my own thing because I had no idea really where we stood and was standing on a false hope that we could be friends and move forward. I was wrong. It is hard for me to admit that I am better off without him, with the newest would so recent. However, I do know now what I have put him through all the times in the past when I have broken up or taken my space with him. Somehow, it's not enough though. I for the life of me will never understand guys, as I know how long it takes for me to heal from a broken heart, how they can jump into another relationship. But in his defense, I will say we have been doing this for a while and it was only a matter of time before he decided to make a clean break, no matter how much he loved me (or I thought that he did). Right now, I am just coming from a place of hurt and shock. I don't know the details or I don't dare to know them. It would only set me back the two days that I have come. I am sad and hurt. It might be better if I think of him as being dead, that way I could be mourning and grieve and move on, but I can't do that because I know he is not. It sucks the way I have treated him, what can I say I am a work in progress. It sucks that I haven't listened to God so well before or we would not be here. We would have both moved on a long time ago. For whatever reason, I just want us both to be happy, call me crazy, but I wish it could be together but I know it cannot. All Good or Crazy things must come to an end... Thank you Jesus for the crazy times, the loving times, the times that I haven't listened, the times that I have, thank you for love and all that comes herewith... i pray for peace and happiness...

Will it EVER end??

Okay, so I have something to say to all the boys out there, who would like to be men someday... or already do think they are, whatever the case may be.... SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!! If you have a problem or don't like something or can't do something, please just say it... women take things at more than face value. If your definition of "friends", is only calling occassionally when you are bored, that is not friendship. If you can't talk to someone but still say you want to be friends, don't say that you do. Friendship or any kind of relationship is about being able to call on someone for advice whenever they need it, not when it is convienant for the other one to listen. It may hurt us, but in the long run, we appreciate your complete honesty a whole lot more, than you trying to spare our feelings or your own. Just rip the bandaid off, we may whine or cry like a baby for a few text messages or voicemails or too our other friends for a few days but its good for our soul to know exactly where we stand... even if you think that we should know where we stand. I am not sure if I am making any kind of sense, but I need to say this. The longer you don't say it, the harder it will be in the end. I don't think that is what any of you boys intend, at least the part of me that says people are genuinely good at heart...