Instead of...

Instead of using facebook, which I am convinced will ultlimately lead to my demise, if not my insanity, I have decided to use Blogger as my tool of coping of choice. I am dealing with a range of emotions that I have been drug out of me, but I am coping really well, (only by God's grace). I am home today with a horrific cold, the likes of which I haven't seen in years on me, as well as dealing with what seems to be a new break up (although we weren't together) and the possibility of him already being in another relationship. This is the cause of my retreat from facebook, as I cannot handle the possibility, although he has blocked me, of seeing anything that has to do with this possibility at this time.

I have been through it all in my head, but really what it comes down to is that it really not my issue and none of my business to know what he has been doing during his "own-thing" time. Unfortunately for me I wasn't really doing my own thing because I had no idea really where we stood and was standing on a false hope that we could be friends and move forward. I was wrong. It is hard for me to admit that I am better off without him, with the newest would so recent. However, I do know now what I have put him through all the times in the past when I have broken up or taken my space with him. Somehow, it's not enough though. I for the life of me will never understand guys, as I know how long it takes for me to heal from a broken heart, how they can jump into another relationship. But in his defense, I will say we have been doing this for a while and it was only a matter of time before he decided to make a clean break, no matter how much he loved me (or I thought that he did). Right now, I am just coming from a place of hurt and shock. I don't know the details or I don't dare to know them. It would only set me back the two days that I have come. I am sad and hurt. It might be better if I think of him as being dead, that way I could be mourning and grieve and move on, but I can't do that because I know he is not. It sucks the way I have treated him, what can I say I am a work in progress. It sucks that I haven't listened to God so well before or we would not be here. We would have both moved on a long time ago. For whatever reason, I just want us both to be happy, call me crazy, but I wish it could be together but I know it cannot. All Good or Crazy things must come to an end... Thank you Jesus for the crazy times, the loving times, the times that I haven't listened, the times that I have, thank you for love and all that comes herewith... i pray for peace and happiness...