Peace

Wow! God never ceases to amaze me, when I lean on His understanding and not my own. Last week, I sort of had a misstep in my journey to love myself. I let myself fall back into somethings that were not what God has for me now. I was worried about talking about these things again, but I am happy to be on the other side of the conversation, with a great peace and a great friend. It was so wonderful how God worked out the perfect conversation and allowed us amicable terms to be where we need to be now. I love you Jesus and Thank you for peace!:)

Back Again

I have been MIA for a week or so, where I have decided that there is no place that I can escape for God's plan for my life. It may sound silly, but for some reason I thought that I could change His mind on the path, but alas unless I want to live in this permanent state of unhappiness, I have to start over. I hate starting over. I hate repeating past mistakes. I hate hurting others. However, I did go to church yesterday at Newspring in Anderson and we talked candidly about love and hate, light and dark, love and wrath... Whoa... many of us don't want to think about how God can take wrath on our lives if we choose to disobey, which I have been doing for soooo long! We also discussed how the very people that call themselves Christian's are the ones that will be judging us most. So you may make a decision or take a path that someone else may not like, it's not worth it in this life to make others happy if we are sacrificing our own happiness. All I pray for any of you who have or are suffering from some sort of depression is that of peace. That is all I have been praying for these past few weeks. I have tasted glimpses of it and it sure is sweet... I love you all.

OH NO...

For the first time in my life I am speechless. I probably didn't need to, but I missed him. I was selfish and I apologize. He is hurting and I want to help, but I can't be there for him like I was. I did this it for him, for us, for our future, if we have one... I can't say anymore.

First Day Back

I have to say that it was good to get back to work today. Although I enjoy not working, working does have its benefits. Benefits of consistancy and in my area of work, a joyful smile and gentle hug from a five year old, does make the day sweet.

Today was one of those days that I totally lost myself in my work. I love that when it happens. I am able to see the pure joy of my work and just do my job without any expectations from myself. I got a lot accomplished too.

This taking control of my thoughts deal is harder than I ever imagined. Today was especially hard to not pick up the phone, but I managed to pull through, when I realized that it would only set me back on the progress I have made over the last few days. My wise friend, wrote me an email that I was pleased to read today. She told me that I don't have to try to love myself. That sounds a little harsh but listen to the catch... I should be so caught up in loving God and I mean truly having his love envelop me, that loving myself comes out of that love that He has for me. Does that make sense? I will be able to see myself the way that my Father does and love me through His eyes. That is not to say that this is an easy road. There is a lot of internal overhaul to be done on my part. I have to accept myself as I am and that I am imperfect but intendedly so. I am loved with my imperfections, so I decidedly should love myself as God does because who can God against God and be right?

My heart is lifted with prayers that I feel surrounding me. I awoke with a peace that I had not felt in a long time. I am ready for sleep and what the day holds tomorrow. I am ready for the change in me, now I just have to embrace it and do it. Thank you all for your love... it is truer than any other besides my Lord and Savior... You are in my prayers...

Another Day

I really miss him today. I fought so hard not to pick up the phone and call him. I know I have to heal though and I have to change my life around before I am really ready to love anyone. It is a really difficult process to change your whole mindset and be so painstakingly aware of each and every thought. But it is what Christ asks us to do, guarding your heart and your mind, as well as thinking about good things that will give you a hope and a future. I don't think I ever realized how hard it is to focus solely on God. My mind wanders like a ping pong... any suggestions on how to regain a focus?

My day was busy, filled with new ideas and possibilities. I rejoined my small group, which I have been away from for a while. I did something for me, got a massage, as well as went to workout. I gleaned a whole wealth of support from my coworkers on my current state of being, as well as new strategies that I am eager to try in my Media Center.

I am beyond grateful for the support that has come my way. God is showing me the true multitude of his blessings by the outpouring of love that you all have shown me. I hope to be able to return the favor someday. And my sweet boy, if you are out there reading this, I promise that if God has a plan for us in the future that it will be well worth the wait. Good Night!

Tattered and Torn

Somedays, I get just so tattered and torn with the events of the day. I have a headache the size of who knows what and I have to get up and be at work tomorrow, but my need to get it all out for you is so great that I will sacrifice the shut eye:)!

Today has been kind of crazy and I am ready for a routine to return to my life. Vacation is nice, but consistancy is wonderful for a person like me. With all the extra time on my hands, I have time to think about people and temptations to call them. I have facebook which haunts me with pictures of him having fun (sans me). Its not like I don't expect him to move on, but I get a little jealous thinking that THEY get to be WITH him and share life with him and I don't. I know that I NO ONE is right for me now. I couldn't stand to be with anyone right now because I would be so concerned with their wellbeing that I would neglect my own and that is NOT what I need now.

It's so hard just being in the moment and wanting to talk to him about how I am feeling but knowing that will only make it worse for him and me. How I long for a cuddle or a hug, or even just a little wink in my direction...

Enough about that, I am what I am and I am where I am supposed to be I know...I TRUST YOU GOD...

I just feel a mix of a emotions like sadness, hopelessness, excitement, fear, anxiousness, for what the future holds for me. Will I ever really be able to truly love someone? Can I live with someone forever? Won't I get sick of them? Living in today is so hard, when tomorrow is pressing in... I TRUST YOU GOD.... I SURRENDER...

New Years Resolutions

I hope that this is not considered plagarizing, but my wonderful new/old friend, posted this on her blog as her new years resolution. I thought it was fitting for me. I didn't feel that I needed to change a word:

"It's simple, and there's only one: To take care of myself. In every way, shape and form. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. To put myself first, even if it means being selfish sometimes. Because it's only when I feel complete as a person, by myself, that I can achieve happiness, make others happy, and attain my goals."

I am well on my way to that, I have many new ideas and although he comes to mind often, its more of a gratitude for who he is and what he has shown me, because I know know matter what that he loves me and supports me and that no one can replace what we had, have, or will have in the future. Our relationship is unique and it was special and I hope it will be again if that is God's will.

Yesterday was amazing! I was able to join the YMCA (physically), I was able to open my savings account to begin to save for my car (financially), I was able to shop for food to support me physically. I was able to begin to heal with the beginning of the counseling sessions that will start next week (mentally and spiritually). I was also able to attend my roommate Anna's church for all night prayer (spiritually). Normally, I would have been groaning about how long we have to stay... but ironically the sermon was just fitting for the time that I am in my life. It was about letting go of the sins, habits, or things holding us back from truly experiencing God's upward call. Phillipians 3, talks about us pressing on toward the goal of heaven that is the prize that awaits us. Its so amazing to me to how God meets me right where I am, pats me on the head and says, yes, i am still here... let's get refocused on the right things that will bring you the happiness and joy that you desire. I filled up a note card with ideas about the things I would like to leave behind then they just went up in smoke... i will have to leave those things behind daily as some of them are lifelong habits.

Wow, God is Good!! I am starting to climb up out of that valley. My footsteps are small but significant. I also got to stay in amazing house downtown last night.

I am so right there with Melissa, that we need to help each other. So many people are afraid to talk about the problems that they have because they are afraid of condemnation or judgement, but EVERYONE struggles at one time or another. We have to be strong enough to reach out for help and be vulnerable enough to help others. Praise God for baby steps... :)

Read the Shack if you haven't yet: it's amazing and will most definetly change or alter your perspective on God and his relationship to Jesus/Holy Spirit and to us. It will allow you to see how we can truly be freed if we just are open to it and think outside our worldly box!

Well, that's my two cents for the day... off to pack for Augusta... Catch ya tomorrow and I am praying for you all!:)

Loving yourself

How can you learn to love yourself? I have heard it said that if you cannot love yourself, then it is hard for you to know and accept love from another. Is that what leads me here today? Is that why I feel like I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me? The long and the short of it is, that i want to be whole. Who doesn't? I don't love myself. I have never been taught how to do it. How do you teach an old dog new tricks? How do you even begin? For me, the task over the next few months is daunting. To regain the trust of myself, of others, but rely on the fact that God ALWAYS provides what I need, when I need it. I just have to respond and act. So on this blog for the next few months, I will be sharing my heart. It won't be pretty, but perhaps someone else can glean some insight.
Right now, I feel a sense of surrealness, that we are done. It feels way different than before, maybe because its final, maybe because I do actually know what I am losing and it hurts unspeakably more than anyone can imagine. I have done to him, what I have promised never to do again (over and over), which is hurt him. I guess I am not so hot at keeping that promise...
I still have hope for us someday, that we will at least be able to be friends again. It sucks to lose your best friend too. Well, that is what I have to deal with. I have to lose the road blocks that have led me here over and over. I have to deal with my anxiety, depression, and learn to be happy with who I am (as others see me not as I do). Tomorrow is a new day, with new experiences to be had. I spend so much time worrying about tomorrow, what good does it do to even live today? It's hard to refocus and change that outlook. All I know is that I am tired of overanalyzing, crying, being sad, feeling like a loser, being jealous/envious, worrying about what others think of me, etc.I am me, flawed, and all. God made me this way. I may never know why I have all these things to deal with, but He will equip me with how to deal with them. I love Steven and always will, but I have to love God and Me before he or I can ever truly experience the blissful love that I know God has intended for us either together or apart.