New Years Resolutions

I hope that this is not considered plagarizing, but my wonderful new/old friend, posted this on her blog as her new years resolution. I thought it was fitting for me. I didn't feel that I needed to change a word:

"It's simple, and there's only one: To take care of myself. In every way, shape and form. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. To put myself first, even if it means being selfish sometimes. Because it's only when I feel complete as a person, by myself, that I can achieve happiness, make others happy, and attain my goals."

I am well on my way to that, I have many new ideas and although he comes to mind often, its more of a gratitude for who he is and what he has shown me, because I know know matter what that he loves me and supports me and that no one can replace what we had, have, or will have in the future. Our relationship is unique and it was special and I hope it will be again if that is God's will.

Yesterday was amazing! I was able to join the YMCA (physically), I was able to open my savings account to begin to save for my car (financially), I was able to shop for food to support me physically. I was able to begin to heal with the beginning of the counseling sessions that will start next week (mentally and spiritually). I was also able to attend my roommate Anna's church for all night prayer (spiritually). Normally, I would have been groaning about how long we have to stay... but ironically the sermon was just fitting for the time that I am in my life. It was about letting go of the sins, habits, or things holding us back from truly experiencing God's upward call. Phillipians 3, talks about us pressing on toward the goal of heaven that is the prize that awaits us. Its so amazing to me to how God meets me right where I am, pats me on the head and says, yes, i am still here... let's get refocused on the right things that will bring you the happiness and joy that you desire. I filled up a note card with ideas about the things I would like to leave behind then they just went up in smoke... i will have to leave those things behind daily as some of them are lifelong habits.

Wow, God is Good!! I am starting to climb up out of that valley. My footsteps are small but significant. I also got to stay in amazing house downtown last night.

I am so right there with Melissa, that we need to help each other. So many people are afraid to talk about the problems that they have because they are afraid of condemnation or judgement, but EVERYONE struggles at one time or another. We have to be strong enough to reach out for help and be vulnerable enough to help others. Praise God for baby steps... :)

Read the Shack if you haven't yet: it's amazing and will most definetly change or alter your perspective on God and his relationship to Jesus/Holy Spirit and to us. It will allow you to see how we can truly be freed if we just are open to it and think outside our worldly box!

Well, that's my two cents for the day... off to pack for Augusta... Catch ya tomorrow and I am praying for you all!:)

Loving yourself

How can you learn to love yourself? I have heard it said that if you cannot love yourself, then it is hard for you to know and accept love from another. Is that what leads me here today? Is that why I feel like I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me? The long and the short of it is, that i want to be whole. Who doesn't? I don't love myself. I have never been taught how to do it. How do you teach an old dog new tricks? How do you even begin? For me, the task over the next few months is daunting. To regain the trust of myself, of others, but rely on the fact that God ALWAYS provides what I need, when I need it. I just have to respond and act. So on this blog for the next few months, I will be sharing my heart. It won't be pretty, but perhaps someone else can glean some insight.
Right now, I feel a sense of surrealness, that we are done. It feels way different than before, maybe because its final, maybe because I do actually know what I am losing and it hurts unspeakably more than anyone can imagine. I have done to him, what I have promised never to do again (over and over), which is hurt him. I guess I am not so hot at keeping that promise...
I still have hope for us someday, that we will at least be able to be friends again. It sucks to lose your best friend too. Well, that is what I have to deal with. I have to lose the road blocks that have led me here over and over. I have to deal with my anxiety, depression, and learn to be happy with who I am (as others see me not as I do). Tomorrow is a new day, with new experiences to be had. I spend so much time worrying about tomorrow, what good does it do to even live today? It's hard to refocus and change that outlook. All I know is that I am tired of overanalyzing, crying, being sad, feeling like a loser, being jealous/envious, worrying about what others think of me, etc.I am me, flawed, and all. God made me this way. I may never know why I have all these things to deal with, but He will equip me with how to deal with them. I love Steven and always will, but I have to love God and Me before he or I can ever truly experience the blissful love that I know God has intended for us either together or apart.

On my mind

Well, I have come to another crossroad, where I feel I have been a million times before. Why does letting go suck so much.... why can't we love unfailingly and unabashedly the ones we want... why can't they make us truly happy? Why does God put such amazing people in our lives and just decide that they are not right for us? I mean really, how hard is it be just happy... apparently too hard for me these days. This new year marks a new road, but will be just like the last? filled with uncertainty, a rollercoaster, full of pain and joy... most def yet... will I finally fall completely fall head over heels in love with the man that I and GOD want for me? Will it just be right and I won't have to try so hard? There could not be a better man out there for me, but why isn't right? These are the questions that are lingering on my mind as I head into the new year. I am trusting in God's strength and provision...

J

December 10, 2008

Today marked the end of the fall book fair at my school. I can't say that I am sad to see it go... boy, I am sure relieved to have my library back! Anywho, it comes to my attention this week that although I complain about my job, I really do love it (minus a few ill-fitting children). I have become comfortable with the staff and my responsibilities, however, I do have to wonder what is next with the current state of the economy. I am in a safe career, but I am wondering about what will happen to my school system in the next few years with impending budget cuts that are sooo huge...

It leads to me to wonder as well, how did we get into this crisis?If education is so important, where did all the money go? was it there in the first place? How will my students ever know the meaning of stability or of economic security if we can't even provide them with EVERYTHING that they DESERVE, no matter where they live or who their parents are. I am at a loss and just rambling at this point.

I am reading the book called, Crazy Love, by Francis Chan. It is about God's unrelentless, unfathomable love for us and what that means for us. We never will really understand what God's love is for us, how he loves us, how he pursues us... it's daunting, but also romantic. I like to think that God is the PERFECT lover following, searching, and seeking out my heart, my soul, my whole self. We cannot tell God how to love us, he just does, whether we want him to or not. We can look all around us and see His love if we just open our eyes to it...Psalm 139 was written out of a dark place in David's life, but David chose to worship.

God is hugging you right now, all of us, yet each individually... how comforting to know this as you lay your head to sleep and leave this day behind and coming one day closer to know the fullness of His face... Sleep tight God's beloved child...:)

Musings...

So it's been a year since I blogged here last, but felt it was about time to spew my guts across the internet... well, at least the good ones...:)

I have come to a turning point in my life, while I have met the most wonderful man that a woman could ask for, I am hesitant to commit long term. You may ask why? Well, if I knew that I would be fixing it... but here are some thoughts:

I have constantly turned my focus away from God when I am in any relationship... although our relationship has been more "faith based" than any previous relationships, I still focus more on the tangible and seen relationships in my life and base my happiness or contentment around it.

The largest reason I can fathom is that of fear. Fear of how I will feel tomorrow, or next week, if I can live with this person forever (divorce is not an option), if I am going to have another mental breakdown to the stress I put on myself or him or our relationship. Is there any relationship that I have that will make me feel different about the person and not question it on a regular basis? These just top the list, but I have conceded that I am not ready to let these fears win and that he is worth all the craziness that happens to me mentally.

Still in the midst of all of this, I am reminded of how God guides my path. My Tuesday Devotional is from Isaiah 58:11:

" The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well water garden, like an ever-flowing spring"

The characteristics that I have now, God gave me! Even if I see my craziness as an imperfection, God sees as PERFECT! Imagine me, an perfect design... If I focus my time on fear, weight, negativity, then I will undoubtedly spiral into the abyss, but if I see my eyes, my laugh, the crazy way I walk, or my sense of humor, the way God does, WOW... I can only imagine the difference it will make.

So today as I figure out the jumbled mess that is my head, I can rest in the fact that is okay that I think a lot and care a lot about others. It's okay that I don't know all the answers to the questions I will get tomorrow or next week or next year. It's okay if I don't know if he is "the one" yet, the lightbulb will come on or it won't... Thank you God for crazy ole' me!!:)

Today

I woke up this morning with a renewed feeling about my faith. If anything this past weekend's experience has taught me how much I truly love the Lord. I can't say that I will be returning to any event, such as this before, but I can say I am able to appreciate what it means to the people there, as well as to me.

On my way home from school today, I was thinking about how I would explain my feelings about this weekend to my friends who went with me. I gave off the wrong impression. I know how they will react to what I am about to say, but I am willing to deal with it.

I do not need to be reminded of past hurts to be healed from them, I believe that God is continually healing me everyday and that it is not an instantanous process, but one that is ongoing. Yes, I have fear in my life, rejection, anger, but really who doesn't? Besides that, I feel as though there are people in heaven who never went through the 'casting out of demons', who had just as many 'demons' as I do and God still wants them to be a part of His Kingdom. The plain and simple of it is that I just don't care for this type of thing. You can say that the devil is taking over me, whatever you want, but I know that God reigns supreme in my life. Afterall at the core it is about my relationship with Him, not what the world thinks of He and I. We all view our faith exibition differently and that is okay. He loves us as long as we accept Him, His Son, and Love Him! He is working out His purpose despite what my past has provided me with in terms of faults and insecurities. GOD IS GOOD... ALL THE TIME!!

Different Kinds of Christians

It has come to my attention, that there are many different kinds of Christians. I know that most of you have already figured that out, but after my retreat this past weekend, my awareness was heightened.

I went to a retreat with my church here in Charleston. The retreat was basically to help us rid ourselves of 'Satan' spirits that reside within us and cleanse us with a new life in Christ. I was skeptical and uneasy about attending, but as always I try to be open minded to new ideas. We the basic premise of this program was we would talk about different spirits, i.e. fear, anger, rejection, abuse, witchcraft (just to name a few). We would repent to God, Renounce to Satan, and break all ties with the spirit in question. We would then get prayed over by an intercessor. This is where I began to see the problem that I had been ignoring about this type of retreat. I felt the attack beginning. The people at the church would say that this was Satan's way of distracting me, but I feel otherwise. God speaks to me in my gut, and my gut was having a temper tantrum at this point.

A large focus on the PAST and breaking ties with sins of the past and past generations. I had a major reaction to the spirit of fear and anger. I will agree that these are areas that I struggle with in my life. I will NOT however be subjected to the fact that these spirits have control over me, they consume me, and I HAVE to resolve any thing with that past before I can make it in the future. I feel that I have resolved a lot of things and it just didn't make any sense for me to bring it back up. It particularly got to me with someone talked about my childhood and my fear of abandonment and loneliness. I felt like they were pointing fingers at my Parents, my childhood... I had no idea what to do with that! It hurt me to the core that someone would say these things without really knowing me or my past. I had a reaction to anger as well, but it was not nearly as intense. I felt like I was the main attraction on TBN or the Benny Hinn Show. Let me point out that I do believe that there is evil in the world, that I am not totally abasing this idea that we must change and learn from the past, that repentance and renunciation will do not have their place, that there are people who can intercede for us, that there are people who can speak in tongues, but I don't have to go to a retreat or have demons thrown out of me to know that.

Maybe it's just me, but I choose to dwell on the good things that God provides for me, like JESUS!!, like hope for a future, eternal life, my family and friends, my virginity, my faith (even though that has been slightly marred from this experience). God gave us free will and a mind to interpret the Bible and His Word as we see it fit into our lives. I believe that I have witnessed an extreme at one end and prefer the calling that God has placed on my life and the way that he has placed it there. God LOVES Me, He loves my PAST... PRESENT... FUTURE. Don't worry I will be able to meet you all in heaven one day, my journey and practice may be a little different, but none the less effective than they way anyone else will get to heaven. I think I need to rediscover Jesus and the Bible on my own...

What's New

So a lot has happened since I last wrote. I have a job!!! Which I am super excited about, but also a little anxious about, as it will be a lot of work that I have minimal experience with, so I will be learning along the way. I will have to move however, I always get way nostalgic when I think about leaving Columbia. It's not where I need to be or want to stay forever, but I feel like I just got here. I became a true adult here, learned how to deal with my problems, how to ask for help, the meaning of persistance, the beauty of faith, and the joy of friendship. Everything around me seems a whole lot more true and real, because I will soon be leaving it.

Last night, I attended come to the cross at my roomie's church. Let me tell you how moving and amazing that was, as well as the fact that the Holy Spirit was SOOO present in that sanctuary of 900+ people. I have to learn to focus on the present that Christ has given us, that God felt so strongly and passionately to give to us, even though we totally do NOT deserve it, but somehow God saw something in us that He wanted to save, US. It is hard to imagine that he saw nothing else and sought no Glory or Fame, just our pure and unadulterated trust in Him. For that reason alone, He deserves our praise forever more.

Life is about changing and adventure, although my adventure here in Columbia is coming to a close, I am not the same person I was when I came. I have seen the glory of a God who pursues his people unabashedly and I have seen what those people do in return to praise and honor Him in the world. I have seen compassion of the true Christian Spirit in youth half my age, that I will carry with me forever. I am so so so blessed beyond measure that I can never be truly thankful enough for the people who have welcomed me into their hearts and lives, shared their faith and belief for Christ, as well as there belief and support of me.

March 23, 2006

Today, was a day to remember and learn from. So, i decided to give the alternative school a try with substituting. I just felt like it was the longest day ever AND it was only HALF a DAY!! I felt so sad for these kids, do they not have anyone to look up to that they have to be so disrespectful to the adults that are trying to help them. BA is an alternative school, alternative to the street or expulsion! I would be grateful for the opportunity to be there and just do my best to get in and get out.

I just have to wonder what their home life is like. Do their parents have no control over them? Do they even have parents that care for them? Do they let them get away with EVERYTHING? It is amazing to me that kids can be so unruly, rude, harsh, obnoxious, and me still feel sorry for them. It is amazing also at how little they know about life, and how much they think they know. It's also crazy to think that they think fighting, cussing, stealing, etc., make them all a MAN. If you use a cuss word in front of me, I loose all respect for you. In my opinion, it takes a bigger man to handle it without cuss words. I was wondering if they would be acting any differently if their mom's or dad's were standing there. Do these kids just want some attention? Is that really why they act up or out? Or is there something else? I can't really believe that cussing and fighting and all that anger just comes from wanting or lacking attention. I know there are much deeper issues that they can't or won't admit to themselves let alone anyone else. I am not saying that they don't deserve another chance to change themselves, but these students are so hard to reach! I am praying for them the students and their attitudes and also I will be in constant prayer for the teachers at this school, as all of them should be considered saints in my book. I am so thankful for the opportunity and life that I was given. God has truly blessed me in that respect.

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me;
yet not my will, but yours be done"
- Luke 22:42

this was my verse, it was the verse that got me through today. God put me in this situation today to strengthen my faith, soften my heart, and test my abilities... I love the LORD!! It is also poignant to my life at this point, as far as jobs and where I am going with my life. It is so comforting to know that HE knows our struggle, but HE also know the end of the struggle and promise of the future. I LOVE MY DADDY IN HEAVEN!!!:) HE IS SO GOOD TO ME!! AMEN!!

my little auburn tiger- little nephew

Snug as a bug in a rug!! 

KJ!! 

KJ Sleepy...  

KJ Smiling!! 

KJ 

March 14, 2006

Hola Amigos!!:) So I am taking a personal day today and recouping from my interview yesterday. I was emotionally drained, but the interview went as well as I could have hoped. I should know in a couple of weeks, the verdict that is, on whether or not I get the job. It would be a huge undertaking and challenge for me, but I do believe that I can do it if given the opportunity.

Today, I so could have worked, but i didn't. I work tomorrow and half a day thursday before my interview in Charleston, so that will be days 8 and 9 of my substituting minimum of 15 days. I better rack them up now, so that I will be able to save some money before the summer. I will work more hours next week.

So I am just glancing over at my bible, it's talking about John the Baptist and the lessons we can learn from his life:

1) God does not guarantee an easy or safe life to those who serve Him.
2) Doing what God desires is the greatest possible life investment.
3) Standing for the truth is more important than life itself.

What a truth it is to know these things!! God is so cool. Especially as I am preparing to go on this mission trip to Ecuador in June. It is funny how people think that just because you believe in God, that automatically means you have it all figured out, that your life is easy and safe, with now worries or cares, when actually having a relationship with Him, makes it easier to bear all the heartaches and pain that this world allows.

That being said, it is also appropriate to note, that in returning to my book Beyond Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson, he discusses the importance of asking for protection against these temptations and in the midst of these heartaches to lighten our loads per say. Wilkinson believes that this is what Jabez really meant when he said "and that You would keep me from evil that I may not cause pain!" This book is so powerful, that even after not reading it in months, I am able to pick up where I left off and recall the wonderful way that God worked in my life when I was reading and praying this prayer before. Check it out: 1st Chronicles 4:10. It talks about all the things that we are afraid that we should not and are not supposed to ask for in this prayer and how appropriate this prayer is to our present lives in Christ.

March 13, 2006

Wow! What a great morning! I am so blessed to be able to enjoy this and be able to have time to sit and drink my coffee , read, and share the blessings that I feel are pervading my spirit!! I just woke up today with a wonderful feeling of gratitude to be alive, to have the opportunity to even interview for a position that I feel passionate about, to share my knowledge and skills with, as well as excitement and enthusiasm.

How appropriate on a day that I would usually tremble with fear and anxiety, that I would choose to open my Bible to read my memory verse for the week and it would be this:

"The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the ONE and ONLY, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."- John 1:14

So cool! He is in ME! That is so comforting to know that I am never alone, even when my physical world tells me so. Even in my job interview, He is on my shoulder putting every word in my mouth and thought in my head, filling me with possibility! I am ready! BRING IT ON!! He understands what it's like to be me and given me an identity in Him, an heir to his wonderful kingdom, that I am totally undeserving of and that is the ultimate gratitude that I have.

An interesting note, my bible footnotes state that verse 14 states that Christ became:

1)PERFECT TEACHER
2) PERFECT EXAMPLE
3)PERFECT SACRIFICE

How appropriate that speaks to me in my job pursuits, as I am constantly open and pursuing perfection, but I am only made PERFECT through Him and His teaching, example, and most of all sacrifice.

March 12, 2006

Alright, so it is the day before my big interview. I have prepared the best I can for it, minus a few practices and a bit of reading i will do before the actual interview. i am watching my favorite roseanne episode and chillin' -"Becky Cut the Cheese"...:) ! I have about come to the complete conclusion that if God wants me to have this job, then he will give it to me and enable me to do it to the best of my ability. I mean the possibility of the work is overwhelming and exciting all at the same time. In a way, I am looking forward to being able to prove myself, but I know that I am not alone. I am interviewing them, as they are interviewing me. So I will just pray real hard and look over my notes before going and let God take care of the rest. I am not really afraid, just ready to go. Just talk to me in 12 hrs and I might tell u differently...:)

Feb.14, 2005

Today, I celebrated Single Awareness Day, not Valentine's Day. I am learning to rejoice in my singleness. Anywho, I went to a Young Life Meeting Today, a leader's training, and was able review and renew my commitment to knowing Christ and to make Him known. It was in the final moments, when we had our 'homework' assignment, and one of it was to write our 'Jesus' Story or as I interpreted it, our faith story. It occurred to me that I had no MAJOR Jesus Story to speak of, just a series of faithful and doubtful periods in my life, that I had been taught was the way since birth. I wondered, is that bad? So get a glimpse into the story, I am being honest now, of what I had to say when I came home to write it:

As long as I remember the church has been part of my life, my story is not one of dramatics, but of honesty and truth when it comes to my relationship in Christ. Having a deeper relationship with Christ is one that I desire, but find so hard to attain. Perhaps, it is the work and time that it requires of you, or perhaps it is something entirely different. As with most Christians, I have my mountaintop experiences, as well as those deep valleys that only seem to get deeper before you begin to climb back out of them. I think often times I fail to grasp the entirety and deepness of the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross for us. I think that I also fail to make the deepest commitment possible, but do it just on the surface or just enough to where I think it will matter.


All of that being said, faith has always been a part of my life, sometimes I have a PLETHORA of it, while other times, I have the littlest ounce of it. I think up until like high school, I just did what I thought I was supposed to and made the milestones in the church that I thought were necessary to continue my ‘walk’. I surrounded myself with people who had the faith that I so wanted and found so cool. I have no dramatic story that describes how Christ came into my life and continues to pervade my every cell, even when I am not willing, stray away, or doubt even His existence. My faith has just evolved, my Jesus story if you will, from the small seed to a deep desire to know Him, and it continues to evolve, as I grow older.

A little bold, perhaps, but nevertheless honest. Through this revelation, I have had with myself (writing about my Jesus Story), I have uncovered a deep seeded thirst to know Him more, to study the Word and Pray Freverently and Honestly. That is what should drive me, not the pursuit of earthly goals, but eternal ones. Take my journey with me... Enjoy the Ride that Christ has set forth for us...:)

Revelation

So, I am twenty five years old, I have a masters and undergraduate degree, am single, and what else? Somehow it doesn’t seem enough, but yet I know really it is so much.

I realized today that life is all about searching, it seems that I am always doing it, always seeking contentment, but never truly finding it. Like a vagabond roaming the dessert sand, it’s just one stop after another and some long looking through my binoculars, before I make my next camp. There are very few waters on my journey just a lot of uphill climbs trudging through deep dessert sands and dirty winds.

When I think about all of my issues, it overwhelms me and I have been having a lot of time to do that lately. So much so that I believe that I deserve a seat on that white couch at the “Starting Over” house. My inadequacies in relationships, in my faith, and ambition are at the forefront of my mind and I wonder if everyone else in the world has these own feelings of inadequacy.

I was so anxious to get out of the house today. After I went to get a TB test, I went to read at the coffee shop on campus and then on the horseshoe on campus. I was watching this squirrel and had an epiphany, well yes it was a squirel, but go with me on this one. I was thinking how they go through life and have brushes with death everyday, brush it off and are totally content everyday just searching for food and running up and down trees. Now, I know they have just pea sized brains and they can't process more than that, but it occured to me to be content in what I have in the moment and that God will provide with what I need when I need it. Somehow its not enough right now, I am just discontent and wandering in the desert. I needed to write, get it all out.

As I was reading the new book called, 'what remains' by Carole Radziwill, I realize that people who live a charmed life don't really have it all, we are all the same really, a series of deaths, weddings, sickness, joys, depression, pain, discontentment in the midst of contentment. She puts it best way I know remembering her wedding and all of her guests and their future fortunes and misfourtunes... life is a series of fortunate events either in life or death.