Love Never Fails...

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." - Ephesians 5:1-2

Living a life of love is the focus of my bible study today. I am currently reading Beth Moore's book, "Believing God" because I feel that for most of my life that I have believed IN God, but haven't really understood what it meant to just BELIEVE GOD. The difference is significant in a way that I never knew. The book focuses on some main principles, "God is who He Says He is" and "He does what he says", but now I am on "I can do all things through Christ".

The question of the day that Beth Moore asks is "Recognizing that love is more often an act of will than of heart, how do you react when we're succinctly told in 1 Corinthians 13:8 that love never fails? have you ever known love to fail? have you tried loving someone only to see it come to nothing?"

I feel as though this question speaks to my heart in numerous ways. God works through situations in our lives that may seem that love is failing us, but in actually God is working out is love for us, showing us how much he loves us and he is the truest form of love that there is. My heart, as you know has been through the wringer as far as love has been concerned this year, however, I still don't believe that love has failed me. I feel as though God has done the opposite and shown me the truest love in Him. He loved me enough to let me fall down and realize that He was the only one who could save me from myself. He loved me enough to pull me out of the pit and put my feet on solid ground! He saw me through the hurt that others gave me and put me solidly on a new place to begin from! I am so grateful just writing this because I now truly believe that I have come full circle. My faith is a mustard seed right now, but it will grow I know because I am able to realize the fullness of His love for me. Others who are not believers may account this as, "time heals all wounds" but time could never heal all the wounds that I inflicted on myself like bitterness, hurt, saddness, pain, and so much more. The things I have learned will affect future relationships in a positive way, not in a negative one. I can say without a doubt today that bitterness, hurt, pain, and saddness have no place in my life right now. God has healed them all. I am beyond grateful for where I am today... words could never express the gratitude.

Loving someone never comes of nothing. It only plants a seed that someone loves you like a mustard seed of faith for the future. You maybe a small part of the plan. I am grateful that I can know what its like to love someone and that it can never be contrived or planned. It can only come from God. Like all things it doesn't happen overnight. It takes consistant prayer and to be honest with you I am the queen of inconsistency in a lot of areas of my life. Loving someone through faith is much different than loving them by human effort. You have to undeniably trust that the Lord has a purpose and plan for each and every human on this earth and that it is His will that you love that person so that they may see the kingdom of God. If we all looked at every person that way, what a different world this would be, wouldn't it? We may all be frustrated when we don't see fruits of our labor of loving someone, but God does. He sees our faith and sees the groundwork being layed for the person you are loving through faith.

My prayer today is
Lord, it is said that you are supposed to love your enemies in your word. Lord, I ask that you allow me to see where love is needed and allow me to plant a seed of love through faith in you. I know I have been far away from you as of late. I need you and you alone to sustain my needs. I believe that you are the Father and I believe that you can save any wandering soul from their sins through love. Lord I ask you bless all who read this and let your love pour down onto them in a new and invigorating way. Lord I ask you to pour out your love on me as well as you allow me to embrace my singleness and the life you have for me. Allow me to be excited and hopeful for the future you have laid out. Lord I thank you for the journey you have laid out for me thus far, I look forward to where you are taking me. I trust you, I love you, I hope in you for ALL things. Thank you for all your blessings that I have recieved and will continue to recieve. Remind me that they ALL come from you and you give me nothing I can't handle through you. I love you, I love you, I love you... impermeate me with your love to pour out to others that I may meet along the street or at work or church... this is how your kingdom is revealed t hrough the love believers everywhere. Help me to find a new group of friends that are believers and that will allow me grow in faith with you. Help me to come to a point that I know without a doubt that I will be seeing you inside those heavenly gates someday... Lord, I want to be there!
Amen!

Craziness that Lies within

It's crazy to think that I cannot put words to my heart this morning. I am filled with saddness, annoyance, worry, and fear. I cannot help but feel a little left behind in the world. I feel as though people are moving on and I am stuck stagnate, stalemate if you will in this heartache that just won't go away. I am my own worst enemy, as today I looked at my friend's wedding pictures and saw my past with his future. Tell me I am not alone in this. It has been almost five months since we were anything normal or close to normal and yet I have a missing piece in my heart that I cannot fill. I didn't want to marry him, but I wanted to love him. Where's the middle ground? How can someone we know so well, suddenly become a stranger to us? How can the simple sight of someone just hurt us to the core. How can they forget about us so easily? I know, I know, just let it go. It seems I have so many times only to have it thrown back in my face.

That weighs on my mind, however what is really at the core of my early summer morning is finances. I know that Jesus is my Provider and he will give me what I need when He sees fit. I am just tired of thinking in general. Will someone please take my brain away until it stops thinking so much? My strength is wearing thin.

Full Circle

So this morning I come back to the therapy that provides me with such comfort. I get so busy, but the need to make time to do it more. Today is a letter of forgiveness, not forgetting. So to anyone out there who this might pertain to, maybe you are struggling with forgiveness like it takes me so long to do, but getting to a place of not forgetting but remembering fondly and taking appreciation for what you learned and not being filled with bitterness.
Here it goes:

I forgive you for telling me you loved me and that you would wait for me;

I forgive you for telling me that you knew what I was the one, but quickly changing your mind;

I forgive you for leaving and never looking back;

I forgive you for lying to me;

I forgive you for taking something so precious from me and then leaving me;

I forgive you for loving her more than me even though that isn't a sin just a heartache;

I forgive you for making promises for our future about our children and what they would look like and never allowing me the time to see them through;

I forgive you for all the broken promises and I forgive myself for all the heartache that I might have caused.

I forgive all these things and more, but mostly I want to say that I pray:

I pray that you are unabashedly and amazingly happy;

I pray that you are successful in every part of your life, as he wants to bless us all in breathtaking ways;

I pray that you continue to seek God in every little section of life, as He amazingly faithful;

I pray that you pause and listen close to His direction; His ways are always best;

I pray that you continue to appreciate what we learned during our time together and use it to the best advantage, because he uses it all things for good, even the hard stuff;

I pray that your heart is full of the Lord and remember that no one person can complete you- only God can;

I pray and pray and pray for the blessings God wants for all of us to be fruitful and us to amazingly worship and serve him.;

I pray that you will remember always that I loved you and still do, as well as believe in you, you will always have my support in the wings;

I am nowhere near where I need to be, but I am working on it, but this life is all about growth and I am so happy to be where I am. Satan isn't going to have the stronghold on me that I am not a whole person without a partner... that I am somehow not who I am supposed to be... Good things come to those who wait, my patience is getting stronger through the struggle...

It is faith where I close officially this chapter of you in my life. I am ready to move on, try new things and meet new people... go out on dates because I am ready to, I am as closed to healed as I will ever be from a broken heart. I am excited and happy about this place where I am headed, soon it will be my turn to be happy with a partner... but for now I am happy where I am...

J

What hurts the most...

I never really realized what the words to the song, "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts meant until tonight. It is not the premise of the song I can relate to but the hurt.

What hurts the most,
was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what I was tryin to do.

Tonight I saw him for the first time since we broke up, it caught me by suprise and made my heart jump right into my throat. My face became red and I was filled with anger and remorse all at the same time. I was filled with unfairness of it all, but then I remembered something, Satan called my bluff, he tested me, but he isn't strong enough. i watched with awe as I recalled the sacrifice my Lord and Savior made for me. I realized how petty I was being, all while my face was still flushed and filled with every emotion I can imagine. I felt like I had to start over again, but realized the circumstances of today are fleeting, Lord Reigns! But the words ring true because he was so close and I had so much to say to him, but would have it helped me any? I watched him walk away so many times tonight without him even noticing me, wondering how he could forget me? how he just couldn't love me anymore? i still love him... that was all I was truly trying to do all through out our crazy mixed up relationship...make sure that he knew he was loved, focusing my time on him and on loving him, forgetting God. I am hurt... but it will heal... i want to be truly complete in my forgiveness of him and myself, as well as sure of my path. i am just rambling, but it is 1 AM... Thank you to my amazing small group... they saved me from myself!

The continuing journey

As I continue on my journey to recall who Juliann really is, I am always encouraged by the words of Esther that I am so aptly doing in a bible study. I have always admired her character of modesty, humilty, and loyalty to her family, to Xerxes, but most importantly to God.

I was able to glimpse into the eyes of Mordecai today as he refused to bow to the apppointed leader of the nobles, Haman. Not only was he refusing to worship a false idol, but he had a far greater goal in mind. Just like Joseph, he was a kin to Satan's continued temptation to do the wrong thing. Satan knows our weakness, just as God does. His continued pushing and proding on these weaknesses is difficult to withstand sometimes. We have to have our mind set on the truth and what God's purpose is for us. It is easy to give in, but much harder to withstand. For two years, Satan has been proding on my weakness that I have been alone and that I need a man to be whole. I have given in many a time, when I knew it was not right, just for the earthly comfort of now, rather than realizing or failing to acknowledge to long term ramifications of giving in. As God proved to me finally when I gave over the final straw that I had been holding onto to Satan earlier this year that yes, people will fail you after they get what they want and that i cannot place my faith in people, only in God. All of them will fail me in some way that I cannot imagine, but God never will. He always takes me back and leaves the past behind. He also proved to me that holding on to your faith and the truth will be much more frutiful.

Returning to Normal

So I am trying to return to what was normal before Steven. I can't help but feel as though it is a little disheartening to that I don't remember what i felt like before him. I am just numb to the whole thing at this point. It's wierd to be a part of someone's life for so long and just have them not there anymore. I keep looking at the phone, thinking that he will change his mind and call, but then what will I say? Will I say oh yes, please come back or totally walk away completely. I have a hard time thinking that he is going to be out with someone else tonight, they are eating dinner, laughing, etc. I try to brush it off, but it does hurt. Do I love him? I am not sure where I stand anymore on that subject. I gave a big part of myself to him and to say that I don't would be like denying that our time together even existed. A part of me will always love him, as I know he will for me. Really who was I before? I am trying to discover that again. Pray for some insight and direction and thatI will completely trust God with His plan for my life and not my own.

What I can say is that I am really blessed at this point to have an amazing and wonderful small group, as well as many other friends who are keeping me busy and reminding me that I am loved not because of who I was or am with but because of who I am. I am so over people who choose sides, intentionally or not. Grow up, we are not in middle school. You may not acknowledge that you are, but you do. It's human nature, but it's silly really because we all make mistakes but we should love beyond our mistakes.... just some food for thought...

Instead of...

Instead of using facebook, which I am convinced will ultlimately lead to my demise, if not my insanity, I have decided to use Blogger as my tool of coping of choice. I am dealing with a range of emotions that I have been drug out of me, but I am coping really well, (only by God's grace). I am home today with a horrific cold, the likes of which I haven't seen in years on me, as well as dealing with what seems to be a new break up (although we weren't together) and the possibility of him already being in another relationship. This is the cause of my retreat from facebook, as I cannot handle the possibility, although he has blocked me, of seeing anything that has to do with this possibility at this time.

I have been through it all in my head, but really what it comes down to is that it really not my issue and none of my business to know what he has been doing during his "own-thing" time. Unfortunately for me I wasn't really doing my own thing because I had no idea really where we stood and was standing on a false hope that we could be friends and move forward. I was wrong. It is hard for me to admit that I am better off without him, with the newest would so recent. However, I do know now what I have put him through all the times in the past when I have broken up or taken my space with him. Somehow, it's not enough though. I for the life of me will never understand guys, as I know how long it takes for me to heal from a broken heart, how they can jump into another relationship. But in his defense, I will say we have been doing this for a while and it was only a matter of time before he decided to make a clean break, no matter how much he loved me (or I thought that he did). Right now, I am just coming from a place of hurt and shock. I don't know the details or I don't dare to know them. It would only set me back the two days that I have come. I am sad and hurt. It might be better if I think of him as being dead, that way I could be mourning and grieve and move on, but I can't do that because I know he is not. It sucks the way I have treated him, what can I say I am a work in progress. It sucks that I haven't listened to God so well before or we would not be here. We would have both moved on a long time ago. For whatever reason, I just want us both to be happy, call me crazy, but I wish it could be together but I know it cannot. All Good or Crazy things must come to an end... Thank you Jesus for the crazy times, the loving times, the times that I haven't listened, the times that I have, thank you for love and all that comes herewith... i pray for peace and happiness...

Will it EVER end??

Okay, so I have something to say to all the boys out there, who would like to be men someday... or already do think they are, whatever the case may be.... SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!! If you have a problem or don't like something or can't do something, please just say it... women take things at more than face value. If your definition of "friends", is only calling occassionally when you are bored, that is not friendship. If you can't talk to someone but still say you want to be friends, don't say that you do. Friendship or any kind of relationship is about being able to call on someone for advice whenever they need it, not when it is convienant for the other one to listen. It may hurt us, but in the long run, we appreciate your complete honesty a whole lot more, than you trying to spare our feelings or your own. Just rip the bandaid off, we may whine or cry like a baby for a few text messages or voicemails or too our other friends for a few days but its good for our soul to know exactly where we stand... even if you think that we should know where we stand. I am not sure if I am making any kind of sense, but I need to say this. The longer you don't say it, the harder it will be in the end. I don't think that is what any of you boys intend, at least the part of me that says people are genuinely good at heart...

Checkin

So as theraputic as writing is for me, I have been computerless in the last few weeks and have been unable to write. I am undergoing some major life changes, as I am attempting to live life as a single (although it has been seriously tough, as I have weekly, sometimes daily setbacks). I am clinging to the fact that each day adds a new opportunity for me to start a new. Each day, I am reminded of love. Love that God has for me and that I want to fully experience that love above any other, but the physical love of this world is completely easy to give into. I am clinging to a grace, as I fumble through some days. But all in all my daily out look is improving. I am learning to trust it ALL to HIM, proving to be difficult but I am never disappointed! I am enjoying my book Crazy Love, which is perfect in this time, as I need all the insight and feeling and focus toward the AMAZING limitless love that God has for me, but even more the love I can give to
Him, as it all comes down to LOVE!

I just started a financial class to get my life in order. I am highly excited about the future of this. Trying out a new gym tomorrow, I hope that this suits me better than the last. LOVE!!

Peace

Wow! God never ceases to amaze me, when I lean on His understanding and not my own. Last week, I sort of had a misstep in my journey to love myself. I let myself fall back into somethings that were not what God has for me now. I was worried about talking about these things again, but I am happy to be on the other side of the conversation, with a great peace and a great friend. It was so wonderful how God worked out the perfect conversation and allowed us amicable terms to be where we need to be now. I love you Jesus and Thank you for peace!:)

Back Again

I have been MIA for a week or so, where I have decided that there is no place that I can escape for God's plan for my life. It may sound silly, but for some reason I thought that I could change His mind on the path, but alas unless I want to live in this permanent state of unhappiness, I have to start over. I hate starting over. I hate repeating past mistakes. I hate hurting others. However, I did go to church yesterday at Newspring in Anderson and we talked candidly about love and hate, light and dark, love and wrath... Whoa... many of us don't want to think about how God can take wrath on our lives if we choose to disobey, which I have been doing for soooo long! We also discussed how the very people that call themselves Christian's are the ones that will be judging us most. So you may make a decision or take a path that someone else may not like, it's not worth it in this life to make others happy if we are sacrificing our own happiness. All I pray for any of you who have or are suffering from some sort of depression is that of peace. That is all I have been praying for these past few weeks. I have tasted glimpses of it and it sure is sweet... I love you all.

OH NO...

For the first time in my life I am speechless. I probably didn't need to, but I missed him. I was selfish and I apologize. He is hurting and I want to help, but I can't be there for him like I was. I did this it for him, for us, for our future, if we have one... I can't say anymore.

First Day Back

I have to say that it was good to get back to work today. Although I enjoy not working, working does have its benefits. Benefits of consistancy and in my area of work, a joyful smile and gentle hug from a five year old, does make the day sweet.

Today was one of those days that I totally lost myself in my work. I love that when it happens. I am able to see the pure joy of my work and just do my job without any expectations from myself. I got a lot accomplished too.

This taking control of my thoughts deal is harder than I ever imagined. Today was especially hard to not pick up the phone, but I managed to pull through, when I realized that it would only set me back on the progress I have made over the last few days. My wise friend, wrote me an email that I was pleased to read today. She told me that I don't have to try to love myself. That sounds a little harsh but listen to the catch... I should be so caught up in loving God and I mean truly having his love envelop me, that loving myself comes out of that love that He has for me. Does that make sense? I will be able to see myself the way that my Father does and love me through His eyes. That is not to say that this is an easy road. There is a lot of internal overhaul to be done on my part. I have to accept myself as I am and that I am imperfect but intendedly so. I am loved with my imperfections, so I decidedly should love myself as God does because who can God against God and be right?

My heart is lifted with prayers that I feel surrounding me. I awoke with a peace that I had not felt in a long time. I am ready for sleep and what the day holds tomorrow. I am ready for the change in me, now I just have to embrace it and do it. Thank you all for your love... it is truer than any other besides my Lord and Savior... You are in my prayers...

Another Day

I really miss him today. I fought so hard not to pick up the phone and call him. I know I have to heal though and I have to change my life around before I am really ready to love anyone. It is a really difficult process to change your whole mindset and be so painstakingly aware of each and every thought. But it is what Christ asks us to do, guarding your heart and your mind, as well as thinking about good things that will give you a hope and a future. I don't think I ever realized how hard it is to focus solely on God. My mind wanders like a ping pong... any suggestions on how to regain a focus?

My day was busy, filled with new ideas and possibilities. I rejoined my small group, which I have been away from for a while. I did something for me, got a massage, as well as went to workout. I gleaned a whole wealth of support from my coworkers on my current state of being, as well as new strategies that I am eager to try in my Media Center.

I am beyond grateful for the support that has come my way. God is showing me the true multitude of his blessings by the outpouring of love that you all have shown me. I hope to be able to return the favor someday. And my sweet boy, if you are out there reading this, I promise that if God has a plan for us in the future that it will be well worth the wait. Good Night!

Tattered and Torn

Somedays, I get just so tattered and torn with the events of the day. I have a headache the size of who knows what and I have to get up and be at work tomorrow, but my need to get it all out for you is so great that I will sacrifice the shut eye:)!

Today has been kind of crazy and I am ready for a routine to return to my life. Vacation is nice, but consistancy is wonderful for a person like me. With all the extra time on my hands, I have time to think about people and temptations to call them. I have facebook which haunts me with pictures of him having fun (sans me). Its not like I don't expect him to move on, but I get a little jealous thinking that THEY get to be WITH him and share life with him and I don't. I know that I NO ONE is right for me now. I couldn't stand to be with anyone right now because I would be so concerned with their wellbeing that I would neglect my own and that is NOT what I need now.

It's so hard just being in the moment and wanting to talk to him about how I am feeling but knowing that will only make it worse for him and me. How I long for a cuddle or a hug, or even just a little wink in my direction...

Enough about that, I am what I am and I am where I am supposed to be I know...I TRUST YOU GOD...

I just feel a mix of a emotions like sadness, hopelessness, excitement, fear, anxiousness, for what the future holds for me. Will I ever really be able to truly love someone? Can I live with someone forever? Won't I get sick of them? Living in today is so hard, when tomorrow is pressing in... I TRUST YOU GOD.... I SURRENDER...

New Years Resolutions

I hope that this is not considered plagarizing, but my wonderful new/old friend, posted this on her blog as her new years resolution. I thought it was fitting for me. I didn't feel that I needed to change a word:

"It's simple, and there's only one: To take care of myself. In every way, shape and form. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. To put myself first, even if it means being selfish sometimes. Because it's only when I feel complete as a person, by myself, that I can achieve happiness, make others happy, and attain my goals."

I am well on my way to that, I have many new ideas and although he comes to mind often, its more of a gratitude for who he is and what he has shown me, because I know know matter what that he loves me and supports me and that no one can replace what we had, have, or will have in the future. Our relationship is unique and it was special and I hope it will be again if that is God's will.

Yesterday was amazing! I was able to join the YMCA (physically), I was able to open my savings account to begin to save for my car (financially), I was able to shop for food to support me physically. I was able to begin to heal with the beginning of the counseling sessions that will start next week (mentally and spiritually). I was also able to attend my roommate Anna's church for all night prayer (spiritually). Normally, I would have been groaning about how long we have to stay... but ironically the sermon was just fitting for the time that I am in my life. It was about letting go of the sins, habits, or things holding us back from truly experiencing God's upward call. Phillipians 3, talks about us pressing on toward the goal of heaven that is the prize that awaits us. Its so amazing to me to how God meets me right where I am, pats me on the head and says, yes, i am still here... let's get refocused on the right things that will bring you the happiness and joy that you desire. I filled up a note card with ideas about the things I would like to leave behind then they just went up in smoke... i will have to leave those things behind daily as some of them are lifelong habits.

Wow, God is Good!! I am starting to climb up out of that valley. My footsteps are small but significant. I also got to stay in amazing house downtown last night.

I am so right there with Melissa, that we need to help each other. So many people are afraid to talk about the problems that they have because they are afraid of condemnation or judgement, but EVERYONE struggles at one time or another. We have to be strong enough to reach out for help and be vulnerable enough to help others. Praise God for baby steps... :)

Read the Shack if you haven't yet: it's amazing and will most definetly change or alter your perspective on God and his relationship to Jesus/Holy Spirit and to us. It will allow you to see how we can truly be freed if we just are open to it and think outside our worldly box!

Well, that's my two cents for the day... off to pack for Augusta... Catch ya tomorrow and I am praying for you all!:)

Loving yourself

How can you learn to love yourself? I have heard it said that if you cannot love yourself, then it is hard for you to know and accept love from another. Is that what leads me here today? Is that why I feel like I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me? The long and the short of it is, that i want to be whole. Who doesn't? I don't love myself. I have never been taught how to do it. How do you teach an old dog new tricks? How do you even begin? For me, the task over the next few months is daunting. To regain the trust of myself, of others, but rely on the fact that God ALWAYS provides what I need, when I need it. I just have to respond and act. So on this blog for the next few months, I will be sharing my heart. It won't be pretty, but perhaps someone else can glean some insight.
Right now, I feel a sense of surrealness, that we are done. It feels way different than before, maybe because its final, maybe because I do actually know what I am losing and it hurts unspeakably more than anyone can imagine. I have done to him, what I have promised never to do again (over and over), which is hurt him. I guess I am not so hot at keeping that promise...
I still have hope for us someday, that we will at least be able to be friends again. It sucks to lose your best friend too. Well, that is what I have to deal with. I have to lose the road blocks that have led me here over and over. I have to deal with my anxiety, depression, and learn to be happy with who I am (as others see me not as I do). Tomorrow is a new day, with new experiences to be had. I spend so much time worrying about tomorrow, what good does it do to even live today? It's hard to refocus and change that outlook. All I know is that I am tired of overanalyzing, crying, being sad, feeling like a loser, being jealous/envious, worrying about what others think of me, etc.I am me, flawed, and all. God made me this way. I may never know why I have all these things to deal with, but He will equip me with how to deal with them. I love Steven and always will, but I have to love God and Me before he or I can ever truly experience the blissful love that I know God has intended for us either together or apart.