Will it EVER end??

Okay, so I have something to say to all the boys out there, who would like to be men someday... or already do think they are, whatever the case may be.... SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!! If you have a problem or don't like something or can't do something, please just say it... women take things at more than face value. If your definition of "friends", is only calling occassionally when you are bored, that is not friendship. If you can't talk to someone but still say you want to be friends, don't say that you do. Friendship or any kind of relationship is about being able to call on someone for advice whenever they need it, not when it is convienant for the other one to listen. It may hurt us, but in the long run, we appreciate your complete honesty a whole lot more, than you trying to spare our feelings or your own. Just rip the bandaid off, we may whine or cry like a baby for a few text messages or voicemails or too our other friends for a few days but its good for our soul to know exactly where we stand... even if you think that we should know where we stand. I am not sure if I am making any kind of sense, but I need to say this. The longer you don't say it, the harder it will be in the end. I don't think that is what any of you boys intend, at least the part of me that says people are genuinely good at heart...

Checkin

So as theraputic as writing is for me, I have been computerless in the last few weeks and have been unable to write. I am undergoing some major life changes, as I am attempting to live life as a single (although it has been seriously tough, as I have weekly, sometimes daily setbacks). I am clinging to the fact that each day adds a new opportunity for me to start a new. Each day, I am reminded of love. Love that God has for me and that I want to fully experience that love above any other, but the physical love of this world is completely easy to give into. I am clinging to a grace, as I fumble through some days. But all in all my daily out look is improving. I am learning to trust it ALL to HIM, proving to be difficult but I am never disappointed! I am enjoying my book Crazy Love, which is perfect in this time, as I need all the insight and feeling and focus toward the AMAZING limitless love that God has for me, but even more the love I can give to
Him, as it all comes down to LOVE!

I just started a financial class to get my life in order. I am highly excited about the future of this. Trying out a new gym tomorrow, I hope that this suits me better than the last. LOVE!!

Peace

Wow! God never ceases to amaze me, when I lean on His understanding and not my own. Last week, I sort of had a misstep in my journey to love myself. I let myself fall back into somethings that were not what God has for me now. I was worried about talking about these things again, but I am happy to be on the other side of the conversation, with a great peace and a great friend. It was so wonderful how God worked out the perfect conversation and allowed us amicable terms to be where we need to be now. I love you Jesus and Thank you for peace!:)

Back Again

I have been MIA for a week or so, where I have decided that there is no place that I can escape for God's plan for my life. It may sound silly, but for some reason I thought that I could change His mind on the path, but alas unless I want to live in this permanent state of unhappiness, I have to start over. I hate starting over. I hate repeating past mistakes. I hate hurting others. However, I did go to church yesterday at Newspring in Anderson and we talked candidly about love and hate, light and dark, love and wrath... Whoa... many of us don't want to think about how God can take wrath on our lives if we choose to disobey, which I have been doing for soooo long! We also discussed how the very people that call themselves Christian's are the ones that will be judging us most. So you may make a decision or take a path that someone else may not like, it's not worth it in this life to make others happy if we are sacrificing our own happiness. All I pray for any of you who have or are suffering from some sort of depression is that of peace. That is all I have been praying for these past few weeks. I have tasted glimpses of it and it sure is sweet... I love you all.

OH NO...

For the first time in my life I am speechless. I probably didn't need to, but I missed him. I was selfish and I apologize. He is hurting and I want to help, but I can't be there for him like I was. I did this it for him, for us, for our future, if we have one... I can't say anymore.

First Day Back

I have to say that it was good to get back to work today. Although I enjoy not working, working does have its benefits. Benefits of consistancy and in my area of work, a joyful smile and gentle hug from a five year old, does make the day sweet.

Today was one of those days that I totally lost myself in my work. I love that when it happens. I am able to see the pure joy of my work and just do my job without any expectations from myself. I got a lot accomplished too.

This taking control of my thoughts deal is harder than I ever imagined. Today was especially hard to not pick up the phone, but I managed to pull through, when I realized that it would only set me back on the progress I have made over the last few days. My wise friend, wrote me an email that I was pleased to read today. She told me that I don't have to try to love myself. That sounds a little harsh but listen to the catch... I should be so caught up in loving God and I mean truly having his love envelop me, that loving myself comes out of that love that He has for me. Does that make sense? I will be able to see myself the way that my Father does and love me through His eyes. That is not to say that this is an easy road. There is a lot of internal overhaul to be done on my part. I have to accept myself as I am and that I am imperfect but intendedly so. I am loved with my imperfections, so I decidedly should love myself as God does because who can God against God and be right?

My heart is lifted with prayers that I feel surrounding me. I awoke with a peace that I had not felt in a long time. I am ready for sleep and what the day holds tomorrow. I am ready for the change in me, now I just have to embrace it and do it. Thank you all for your love... it is truer than any other besides my Lord and Savior... You are in my prayers...

Another Day

I really miss him today. I fought so hard not to pick up the phone and call him. I know I have to heal though and I have to change my life around before I am really ready to love anyone. It is a really difficult process to change your whole mindset and be so painstakingly aware of each and every thought. But it is what Christ asks us to do, guarding your heart and your mind, as well as thinking about good things that will give you a hope and a future. I don't think I ever realized how hard it is to focus solely on God. My mind wanders like a ping pong... any suggestions on how to regain a focus?

My day was busy, filled with new ideas and possibilities. I rejoined my small group, which I have been away from for a while. I did something for me, got a massage, as well as went to workout. I gleaned a whole wealth of support from my coworkers on my current state of being, as well as new strategies that I am eager to try in my Media Center.

I am beyond grateful for the support that has come my way. God is showing me the true multitude of his blessings by the outpouring of love that you all have shown me. I hope to be able to return the favor someday. And my sweet boy, if you are out there reading this, I promise that if God has a plan for us in the future that it will be well worth the wait. Good Night!

Tattered and Torn

Somedays, I get just so tattered and torn with the events of the day. I have a headache the size of who knows what and I have to get up and be at work tomorrow, but my need to get it all out for you is so great that I will sacrifice the shut eye:)!

Today has been kind of crazy and I am ready for a routine to return to my life. Vacation is nice, but consistancy is wonderful for a person like me. With all the extra time on my hands, I have time to think about people and temptations to call them. I have facebook which haunts me with pictures of him having fun (sans me). Its not like I don't expect him to move on, but I get a little jealous thinking that THEY get to be WITH him and share life with him and I don't. I know that I NO ONE is right for me now. I couldn't stand to be with anyone right now because I would be so concerned with their wellbeing that I would neglect my own and that is NOT what I need now.

It's so hard just being in the moment and wanting to talk to him about how I am feeling but knowing that will only make it worse for him and me. How I long for a cuddle or a hug, or even just a little wink in my direction...

Enough about that, I am what I am and I am where I am supposed to be I know...I TRUST YOU GOD...

I just feel a mix of a emotions like sadness, hopelessness, excitement, fear, anxiousness, for what the future holds for me. Will I ever really be able to truly love someone? Can I live with someone forever? Won't I get sick of them? Living in today is so hard, when tomorrow is pressing in... I TRUST YOU GOD.... I SURRENDER...

New Years Resolutions

I hope that this is not considered plagarizing, but my wonderful new/old friend, posted this on her blog as her new years resolution. I thought it was fitting for me. I didn't feel that I needed to change a word:

"It's simple, and there's only one: To take care of myself. In every way, shape and form. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. To put myself first, even if it means being selfish sometimes. Because it's only when I feel complete as a person, by myself, that I can achieve happiness, make others happy, and attain my goals."

I am well on my way to that, I have many new ideas and although he comes to mind often, its more of a gratitude for who he is and what he has shown me, because I know know matter what that he loves me and supports me and that no one can replace what we had, have, or will have in the future. Our relationship is unique and it was special and I hope it will be again if that is God's will.

Yesterday was amazing! I was able to join the YMCA (physically), I was able to open my savings account to begin to save for my car (financially), I was able to shop for food to support me physically. I was able to begin to heal with the beginning of the counseling sessions that will start next week (mentally and spiritually). I was also able to attend my roommate Anna's church for all night prayer (spiritually). Normally, I would have been groaning about how long we have to stay... but ironically the sermon was just fitting for the time that I am in my life. It was about letting go of the sins, habits, or things holding us back from truly experiencing God's upward call. Phillipians 3, talks about us pressing on toward the goal of heaven that is the prize that awaits us. Its so amazing to me to how God meets me right where I am, pats me on the head and says, yes, i am still here... let's get refocused on the right things that will bring you the happiness and joy that you desire. I filled up a note card with ideas about the things I would like to leave behind then they just went up in smoke... i will have to leave those things behind daily as some of them are lifelong habits.

Wow, God is Good!! I am starting to climb up out of that valley. My footsteps are small but significant. I also got to stay in amazing house downtown last night.

I am so right there with Melissa, that we need to help each other. So many people are afraid to talk about the problems that they have because they are afraid of condemnation or judgement, but EVERYONE struggles at one time or another. We have to be strong enough to reach out for help and be vulnerable enough to help others. Praise God for baby steps... :)

Read the Shack if you haven't yet: it's amazing and will most definetly change or alter your perspective on God and his relationship to Jesus/Holy Spirit and to us. It will allow you to see how we can truly be freed if we just are open to it and think outside our worldly box!

Well, that's my two cents for the day... off to pack for Augusta... Catch ya tomorrow and I am praying for you all!:)

Loving yourself

How can you learn to love yourself? I have heard it said that if you cannot love yourself, then it is hard for you to know and accept love from another. Is that what leads me here today? Is that why I feel like I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me? The long and the short of it is, that i want to be whole. Who doesn't? I don't love myself. I have never been taught how to do it. How do you teach an old dog new tricks? How do you even begin? For me, the task over the next few months is daunting. To regain the trust of myself, of others, but rely on the fact that God ALWAYS provides what I need, when I need it. I just have to respond and act. So on this blog for the next few months, I will be sharing my heart. It won't be pretty, but perhaps someone else can glean some insight.
Right now, I feel a sense of surrealness, that we are done. It feels way different than before, maybe because its final, maybe because I do actually know what I am losing and it hurts unspeakably more than anyone can imagine. I have done to him, what I have promised never to do again (over and over), which is hurt him. I guess I am not so hot at keeping that promise...
I still have hope for us someday, that we will at least be able to be friends again. It sucks to lose your best friend too. Well, that is what I have to deal with. I have to lose the road blocks that have led me here over and over. I have to deal with my anxiety, depression, and learn to be happy with who I am (as others see me not as I do). Tomorrow is a new day, with new experiences to be had. I spend so much time worrying about tomorrow, what good does it do to even live today? It's hard to refocus and change that outlook. All I know is that I am tired of overanalyzing, crying, being sad, feeling like a loser, being jealous/envious, worrying about what others think of me, etc.I am me, flawed, and all. God made me this way. I may never know why I have all these things to deal with, but He will equip me with how to deal with them. I love Steven and always will, but I have to love God and Me before he or I can ever truly experience the blissful love that I know God has intended for us either together or apart.

On my mind

Well, I have come to another crossroad, where I feel I have been a million times before. Why does letting go suck so much.... why can't we love unfailingly and unabashedly the ones we want... why can't they make us truly happy? Why does God put such amazing people in our lives and just decide that they are not right for us? I mean really, how hard is it be just happy... apparently too hard for me these days. This new year marks a new road, but will be just like the last? filled with uncertainty, a rollercoaster, full of pain and joy... most def yet... will I finally fall completely fall head over heels in love with the man that I and GOD want for me? Will it just be right and I won't have to try so hard? There could not be a better man out there for me, but why isn't right? These are the questions that are lingering on my mind as I head into the new year. I am trusting in God's strength and provision...

J

December 10, 2008

Today marked the end of the fall book fair at my school. I can't say that I am sad to see it go... boy, I am sure relieved to have my library back! Anywho, it comes to my attention this week that although I complain about my job, I really do love it (minus a few ill-fitting children). I have become comfortable with the staff and my responsibilities, however, I do have to wonder what is next with the current state of the economy. I am in a safe career, but I am wondering about what will happen to my school system in the next few years with impending budget cuts that are sooo huge...

It leads to me to wonder as well, how did we get into this crisis?If education is so important, where did all the money go? was it there in the first place? How will my students ever know the meaning of stability or of economic security if we can't even provide them with EVERYTHING that they DESERVE, no matter where they live or who their parents are. I am at a loss and just rambling at this point.

I am reading the book called, Crazy Love, by Francis Chan. It is about God's unrelentless, unfathomable love for us and what that means for us. We never will really understand what God's love is for us, how he loves us, how he pursues us... it's daunting, but also romantic. I like to think that God is the PERFECT lover following, searching, and seeking out my heart, my soul, my whole self. We cannot tell God how to love us, he just does, whether we want him to or not. We can look all around us and see His love if we just open our eyes to it...Psalm 139 was written out of a dark place in David's life, but David chose to worship.

God is hugging you right now, all of us, yet each individually... how comforting to know this as you lay your head to sleep and leave this day behind and coming one day closer to know the fullness of His face... Sleep tight God's beloved child...:)

Musings...

So it's been a year since I blogged here last, but felt it was about time to spew my guts across the internet... well, at least the good ones...:)

I have come to a turning point in my life, while I have met the most wonderful man that a woman could ask for, I am hesitant to commit long term. You may ask why? Well, if I knew that I would be fixing it... but here are some thoughts:

I have constantly turned my focus away from God when I am in any relationship... although our relationship has been more "faith based" than any previous relationships, I still focus more on the tangible and seen relationships in my life and base my happiness or contentment around it.

The largest reason I can fathom is that of fear. Fear of how I will feel tomorrow, or next week, if I can live with this person forever (divorce is not an option), if I am going to have another mental breakdown to the stress I put on myself or him or our relationship. Is there any relationship that I have that will make me feel different about the person and not question it on a regular basis? These just top the list, but I have conceded that I am not ready to let these fears win and that he is worth all the craziness that happens to me mentally.

Still in the midst of all of this, I am reminded of how God guides my path. My Tuesday Devotional is from Isaiah 58:11:

" The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well water garden, like an ever-flowing spring"

The characteristics that I have now, God gave me! Even if I see my craziness as an imperfection, God sees as PERFECT! Imagine me, an perfect design... If I focus my time on fear, weight, negativity, then I will undoubtedly spiral into the abyss, but if I see my eyes, my laugh, the crazy way I walk, or my sense of humor, the way God does, WOW... I can only imagine the difference it will make.

So today as I figure out the jumbled mess that is my head, I can rest in the fact that is okay that I think a lot and care a lot about others. It's okay that I don't know all the answers to the questions I will get tomorrow or next week or next year. It's okay if I don't know if he is "the one" yet, the lightbulb will come on or it won't... Thank you God for crazy ole' me!!:)

Today

I woke up this morning with a renewed feeling about my faith. If anything this past weekend's experience has taught me how much I truly love the Lord. I can't say that I will be returning to any event, such as this before, but I can say I am able to appreciate what it means to the people there, as well as to me.

On my way home from school today, I was thinking about how I would explain my feelings about this weekend to my friends who went with me. I gave off the wrong impression. I know how they will react to what I am about to say, but I am willing to deal with it.

I do not need to be reminded of past hurts to be healed from them, I believe that God is continually healing me everyday and that it is not an instantanous process, but one that is ongoing. Yes, I have fear in my life, rejection, anger, but really who doesn't? Besides that, I feel as though there are people in heaven who never went through the 'casting out of demons', who had just as many 'demons' as I do and God still wants them to be a part of His Kingdom. The plain and simple of it is that I just don't care for this type of thing. You can say that the devil is taking over me, whatever you want, but I know that God reigns supreme in my life. Afterall at the core it is about my relationship with Him, not what the world thinks of He and I. We all view our faith exibition differently and that is okay. He loves us as long as we accept Him, His Son, and Love Him! He is working out His purpose despite what my past has provided me with in terms of faults and insecurities. GOD IS GOOD... ALL THE TIME!!

Different Kinds of Christians

It has come to my attention, that there are many different kinds of Christians. I know that most of you have already figured that out, but after my retreat this past weekend, my awareness was heightened.

I went to a retreat with my church here in Charleston. The retreat was basically to help us rid ourselves of 'Satan' spirits that reside within us and cleanse us with a new life in Christ. I was skeptical and uneasy about attending, but as always I try to be open minded to new ideas. We the basic premise of this program was we would talk about different spirits, i.e. fear, anger, rejection, abuse, witchcraft (just to name a few). We would repent to God, Renounce to Satan, and break all ties with the spirit in question. We would then get prayed over by an intercessor. This is where I began to see the problem that I had been ignoring about this type of retreat. I felt the attack beginning. The people at the church would say that this was Satan's way of distracting me, but I feel otherwise. God speaks to me in my gut, and my gut was having a temper tantrum at this point.

A large focus on the PAST and breaking ties with sins of the past and past generations. I had a major reaction to the spirit of fear and anger. I will agree that these are areas that I struggle with in my life. I will NOT however be subjected to the fact that these spirits have control over me, they consume me, and I HAVE to resolve any thing with that past before I can make it in the future. I feel that I have resolved a lot of things and it just didn't make any sense for me to bring it back up. It particularly got to me with someone talked about my childhood and my fear of abandonment and loneliness. I felt like they were pointing fingers at my Parents, my childhood... I had no idea what to do with that! It hurt me to the core that someone would say these things without really knowing me or my past. I had a reaction to anger as well, but it was not nearly as intense. I felt like I was the main attraction on TBN or the Benny Hinn Show. Let me point out that I do believe that there is evil in the world, that I am not totally abasing this idea that we must change and learn from the past, that repentance and renunciation will do not have their place, that there are people who can intercede for us, that there are people who can speak in tongues, but I don't have to go to a retreat or have demons thrown out of me to know that.

Maybe it's just me, but I choose to dwell on the good things that God provides for me, like JESUS!!, like hope for a future, eternal life, my family and friends, my virginity, my faith (even though that has been slightly marred from this experience). God gave us free will and a mind to interpret the Bible and His Word as we see it fit into our lives. I believe that I have witnessed an extreme at one end and prefer the calling that God has placed on my life and the way that he has placed it there. God LOVES Me, He loves my PAST... PRESENT... FUTURE. Don't worry I will be able to meet you all in heaven one day, my journey and practice may be a little different, but none the less effective than they way anyone else will get to heaven. I think I need to rediscover Jesus and the Bible on my own...

What's New

So a lot has happened since I last wrote. I have a job!!! Which I am super excited about, but also a little anxious about, as it will be a lot of work that I have minimal experience with, so I will be learning along the way. I will have to move however, I always get way nostalgic when I think about leaving Columbia. It's not where I need to be or want to stay forever, but I feel like I just got here. I became a true adult here, learned how to deal with my problems, how to ask for help, the meaning of persistance, the beauty of faith, and the joy of friendship. Everything around me seems a whole lot more true and real, because I will soon be leaving it.

Last night, I attended come to the cross at my roomie's church. Let me tell you how moving and amazing that was, as well as the fact that the Holy Spirit was SOOO present in that sanctuary of 900+ people. I have to learn to focus on the present that Christ has given us, that God felt so strongly and passionately to give to us, even though we totally do NOT deserve it, but somehow God saw something in us that He wanted to save, US. It is hard to imagine that he saw nothing else and sought no Glory or Fame, just our pure and unadulterated trust in Him. For that reason alone, He deserves our praise forever more.

Life is about changing and adventure, although my adventure here in Columbia is coming to a close, I am not the same person I was when I came. I have seen the glory of a God who pursues his people unabashedly and I have seen what those people do in return to praise and honor Him in the world. I have seen compassion of the true Christian Spirit in youth half my age, that I will carry with me forever. I am so so so blessed beyond measure that I can never be truly thankful enough for the people who have welcomed me into their hearts and lives, shared their faith and belief for Christ, as well as there belief and support of me.

March 23, 2006

Today, was a day to remember and learn from. So, i decided to give the alternative school a try with substituting. I just felt like it was the longest day ever AND it was only HALF a DAY!! I felt so sad for these kids, do they not have anyone to look up to that they have to be so disrespectful to the adults that are trying to help them. BA is an alternative school, alternative to the street or expulsion! I would be grateful for the opportunity to be there and just do my best to get in and get out.

I just have to wonder what their home life is like. Do their parents have no control over them? Do they even have parents that care for them? Do they let them get away with EVERYTHING? It is amazing to me that kids can be so unruly, rude, harsh, obnoxious, and me still feel sorry for them. It is amazing also at how little they know about life, and how much they think they know. It's also crazy to think that they think fighting, cussing, stealing, etc., make them all a MAN. If you use a cuss word in front of me, I loose all respect for you. In my opinion, it takes a bigger man to handle it without cuss words. I was wondering if they would be acting any differently if their mom's or dad's were standing there. Do these kids just want some attention? Is that really why they act up or out? Or is there something else? I can't really believe that cussing and fighting and all that anger just comes from wanting or lacking attention. I know there are much deeper issues that they can't or won't admit to themselves let alone anyone else. I am not saying that they don't deserve another chance to change themselves, but these students are so hard to reach! I am praying for them the students and their attitudes and also I will be in constant prayer for the teachers at this school, as all of them should be considered saints in my book. I am so thankful for the opportunity and life that I was given. God has truly blessed me in that respect.

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me;
yet not my will, but yours be done"
- Luke 22:42

this was my verse, it was the verse that got me through today. God put me in this situation today to strengthen my faith, soften my heart, and test my abilities... I love the LORD!! It is also poignant to my life at this point, as far as jobs and where I am going with my life. It is so comforting to know that HE knows our struggle, but HE also know the end of the struggle and promise of the future. I LOVE MY DADDY IN HEAVEN!!!:) HE IS SO GOOD TO ME!! AMEN!!

my little auburn tiger- little nephew

Snug as a bug in a rug!! 

KJ!!